thank you  for thinking of me, my doctor and I talked for a very long time about shawn and oh how I cryed. she said what im feeling is ok and my family should be here for me , but there not. we talked about this support group here and I told her  you are all more then friends you are my new family, how you all care and understand, how you are here for each other when we are hurting so bad. we talked about the holidays coming and how im hurting so much, my wish to know my son is with my mom…

today my doctor is coming for a visit, its going to be hard talking about the holidays. I just hate them so much anymore. a friend dropped a card off with tiny butterflys, flowers and angels inside and asked me to sprinkle them where shawn is resting, I cryed so hard, its a beautiful thing to do. its getting harder to sleep and I feel so tired. I just want so much for these holidays to be over. its just to painfull with out my baby. I want so much to sleep and never wake up, to hold my son…

im in so much pain during these dam holidays, I would give my life up to hold you now, without you here life is not worth living. I beg you to come to my dreams to tell me you are happy, with mom , I want so much to hold your face to kiss you and never let you go. please don't let me go through x mas alone, my tears flow each and everyday, please hear my prayers, im begging you.  take me with you, take my hand, my heart is filled with darkness, you are the love of my life forever, mom

what I would give to hold you and kiss you, this time of year I hurt  even more, I remember how you love x mas but with out you I just cant do it any more. so many tears I have cryed, and praying you will come get me, my beautiful son how can I go on with this unbearable pain, how does my family smile and be so happy knowing im dieing inside, please shawn help me get through this holiday, help me to dream of you, with out you  theres nothing left, I wish my heart would stop beating, I wish I…

Ticket 10-60-54

Highway, miles and distance

Ticket to a Journey

where end is near

a dream short lived

in your arms is feared.

"Riding the crazy train"

that what he said

you get a free pass

get on…

It was a day like any other. Taking care of everyone, going to doctor, etc. Then someone comes at dinner time...Aaron did not come home from work, and we found that he had been in an accident. He died almost instantly from multiple blunt force trauma. I can still hardly believe it, and it is two months later.

Of course, I share many of the same feelings as the rest of this select club...all the guilt, sorrow, anger, sadness, despair...the list goes on and on. It is funny how you do so…

with everything and everyone getting ready for Christmas, my pain is worse, my heart so broken. I only want to hold you, to touch your face, to feel your love. I gave everything that's Christmas away, without you there will never be a holiday, its just another day filled with heart break. I sleep in your pjs and I can smell you with me. but I cant feel you, I need so bad to feel you. if you told me you need me I would come right away. please come to my dreams, please come to me. night god…

oh god I hate this time of year, people putting light on there homes, I cryed so hard, everyones so happy and shopping and putting up lights . and I just hurt so bad. my life is over without shawn, I see my family, friends  all getting ready. me I cry , I hurt, im so dead inside.  I just pray each night to go with my son. dear god that's all I want. take my unbearable pain away, take my tears and my broken heart. take me to my baby.  

everyday my heart hurts, to breathe hurts. but the tears still fall each and every day. I feel so empty and so alone. I would give anything to hear  MOM, to hear shawns voice, to see that beautiful smile once more. I tell myself every day he will come home back to me. I feel without this ill lose it, ill break. im in such a deep dark place and there will never ever be light again. this is just a dark dream, and I cant wake up. I hope to hold him soon, I pray to. my shawn my love of my life…

soon the holidays will be here , my heart hurts so much. to go through Christmas without you kills me. its now just another day. I ask every night what you want me to do, and no answer, to hear  MOM from you would be such a gift and I hope I hear it one more time. all day I think of holding you, trying to remember how it feels. my chest hurts to breathe, my tears burn, ill wait for you to come to me, and pray to you each night that its soon,  my love my life my son, forever mom

 my wonderful son,  I cry so hard everyday and night, missing you with all my broken heart. I can barely see my eyes are so swollen, its so hard to see another holiday coming, and to feel so alone and empty with out you here. I hope each day you can hear me, but I hope you can not feel my pain. I wish my tears could build a stairway to you, I would have been there by now. you will always be the love of my life, without you im not whole, my wish this x mas would be to hear you say  MOM, to…

today  I could smell shawn in my living room right by my computer, I know hes here it was so strong. shawn loves his computer , its his way of telling me hes here he wont leave me, I miss him so much, I pray each night to go with him, to hold him tight again. my babys here hes here.  my beautiful son, the love of my life, he will never leave me.    

today my doctor came to see me. she brough all the papers and explained why my shawn went away.  I cryed so much she had to stop and she held me. she said if the heart dr had called 911 shawn would still be here. but he just sent him home. I know its wrong but I wish with all I have if that dr has kids I hope they die, I want him so much to feel my pain, my emptiness forever. I  said to her, my shawns not coming home is he? when she looked into my eyes and told me no, I lost it so bad I…

Is there a App. for that?



With technology so advance I dare to ask

how is the digital age in the afterlife?

Angels with long distance calling cards.

Can I log in and find your light…

Every time I wake up I find that I have to face another day of my wife not being there, although it's been 16 years now since the angels came, I know if I mention her to someone it'll just give them a cause to tell me that I should be "over it" by now. Sitting at the desktop tonight playing her favorite sport, pool, I began to wonder what she would think of me now-having changed my appearance from my long Yanni appearance to a short typical haircut-would she be upset? And then I began to…

shawn as I placed a white rose with you, my tears were falling on your stone I felt nothing but darkness, emptiness. I hurt like ive never hurt before. oh god I miss you so bad, how can I go on shawn how? you are my life and nothing else matters, you are my only great love my beautiful son. I have never been so tired, so afraid. all I want is to be with you, to hold you and never let you go.  im waiting for you baby, please come to me please. I need you.  love you always and so deeply ,…

today its snowing, I know you hated the cold winters, when I went to see you today and saw your flowers covered in snow it broke my heart. I hope you are wrapped in moms arms  warm and safe. I ask everyday and night for you to come to my dreams and tell me you are happy, its been a year and 3 days and I have not had 1 dream, I miss you more each and everyday, I cry so much my eyes hurt everyday. I feel like im falling deeper and deeper, im begging you to grab my hand and take me with you,…

A year ago today seems like yesterday.

Bucket List

Crazy lady with the red pants going to get a burrito at cha chas. Jeff is getting ready to go target shooting. It’s something he pulled from my bucket list. He's like a little boy anticipating.our second date.

"I won’t take you to a place where is not safe"

"You're in professional hands, you'll see it going to be great." As if!! am not scared I will let him be the man and play his way.

Raffle in hand,…

I physically feel as though a strong vacuum is sucking my lungs and heart out of my cheast from somewhere around my belly button; creating a struggle to breathe. I am experiencing Panic Attacks and fallig on the ground as i did when "the call" came from my 11 year old granddaughter!   That moment replays and my body responds apprpriate to the memory. 

I, emotionally feel alone, as I'm estranged from family. None of which attended my daughters funeral, not even my mother, her…