today my doctor came to see me. she brough all the papers and explained why my shawn went away.  I cryed so much she had to stop and she held me. she said if the heart dr had called 911 shawn would still be here. but he just sent him home. I know its wrong but I wish with all I have if that dr has kids I hope they die, I want him so much to feel my pain, my emptiness forever. I  said to her, my shawns not coming home is he? when she looked into my eyes and told me no, I lost it so bad I cryed  like I cryed a year ago, so hard I almost passed out. every day I told my self he was coming back to me, he will never leave me, but hes not, dear god hes not. why am I here in such pain, why does he not take me to, to give me what I need what I cry for. why is he leaving me in the dark, the deep hole forever. im so afraid, so alone.  my nightmare will never end, my baby, my son I love you forever, ill miss you forever, please don't leave me here, please.   my heart is with you    love mom