I physically feel as though a strong vacuum is sucking my lungs and heart out of my cheast from somewhere around my belly button; creating a struggle to breathe. I am experiencing Panic Attacks and fallig on the ground as i did when "the call" came from my 11 year old granddaughter!   That moment replays and my body responds apprpriate to the memory. 

I, emotionally feel alone, as I'm estranged from family. None of which attended my daughters funeral, not even my mother, her granddaughter's funeral! Really? My two living daughters did a wonderful job on the services. One, howehowever, will not even return my messages. The other constantly reminding me that 'not all people grieve the same '; I'mvery aware of this as a Mastered Degreed Mental Health Therapist. It is weird.  My quest is to find someone who lost a child and DID MAKE IT BACK to some semblance of functionality and joy again.   Of the now 22 days since my daughter left us, i have been completely alone in my home. I never left my mom home alone when my brother died, I really am the black sheep, for being the one who stepped outside our family dysfunctional mold. Its a lonly place and at this point wonder if i would be happier in general, even before my daughter's death, had I carried on living as the rest of the family, drink, drug, living on systems of care etc. At least i wouldnt bbe so alone. 

My daughter died 3 weeks ago and im already getting the "you should..." from people. My daughter's passing is by far the most devastating pain I have experienced. " Im sorry for your loss" comments make me want to scream. "Are you doing ok?  OR How are you doing; getting better i hope..." infuriate me to no end. NO IM NOT OK, I cant imagine a day that i could ever be ok!!!!

I am terrified that i wont make it back, and i dont expect 'back' to mean 'the same'  i only want to function again. I dont or cant or maybe Wont see how to become "OK" with my daughter's passing. The love of her life, 19 years of her short 33 years on earth is completely lost,. Her 11 year old daughter found her mother and tried "blowing air in mommy's cold purple face".  To make matters worse is that 12 years ago she and Joe had split and my daughtwr became pregnany. So on the day she finds her mothedead, her drug addicted biological father takes her from my home. She is now separated  from her brother. My daughter also had nlist a daughter at the age of 7; the 11 year old mentioned earlier, was napping with her sister when she died. My daughter Never came back from her loss. My mother lost my baby brother when he was 41, she never returned from his death, she lives but over seven years has slowly made her way to living in a seedy downtown apartment,  doing pills herself. My grandmother lost a daughter, she (as my child mind remembers) seemed ok, but as an adult I learned that my grandmother just "stopped" being an educator; she just stopped living fully.  I now know why she ws  always so quiet. And her mother, great grandma,  same thing. SO I AM TERRIFIED of what my future holds.