You never know what you've got until you lose it !

Every time I wake up I find that I have to face another day of my wife not being there, although it's been 16 years now since the angels came, I know if I mention her to someone it'll just give them a cause to tell me that I should be "over it" by now. Sitting at the desktop tonight playing her favorite sport, pool, I began to wonder what she would think of me now-having changed my appearance from my long Yanni appearance to a short typical haircut-would she be upset? And then I began to realize how tired of just 'waiting' to be with her and yet I promised her I would never commit suicide. But the thing is, everything around me has become so meaningless without her. Maybe it's because the anniversary of her death was just after Halloween, Nov. 7, 1998. She began to make plans for her and I to "grow old together with two rocking chairs on the front porch listening to the morning birds, watching the tide come in and out. What happened ? What could God possibly have seen so wrong with that ? We were so perfect together, like we were 'meant' to be together. I let her know when we first met, "you know that you've ruined me for all other women". But I guess for some reason God didn't see it that way. As I mentioned to her when she wasn't so ill, "it doesn't matter how much of the lottery you win, what matters most is having someone there that you love to share it with". She said something to me that I never thought I would ever remember, or that I never thought would turn out to be true. When she wasn't so ill she let me know, "you never know what you've got until you lose it". I will never, ever forget this !

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Tags: She, beneath, my, the, was, wind, wings

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Comment by dream moon JO B on November 12, 2014 at 4:09pm

u dont get over it bill

iv had 2 mush multi loss sine 2012 after my dad died im lk why not me im lk iv even sead evry 1 wud be beter off if it had me 

grief has relly messet me up it has 

Comment by bluebird on November 12, 2014 at 10:21am

I don't think you should be "over it" just because 16 years have passed.  I fervently hope I don't live for 16 years after my husband's death (he died two years ago) -- hell, I hope I don't live for another 16 days, or hours, or minutes -- but for however long I am stuck in this fucking farce of a life, I will always mourn my husband's death, and I will always want nothing more than to be with him.

I truly am sorry that your wife died. Of course I can't know exactly what it's like for you, as it's different for each person dealing with this horror, but I do have some idea, and I would never wish this on anyone. I think you should have been allowed to grow old with your wife, as I should have been allowed to grown old with my husband, as m morgan should have been allowed to grow old with her husband, etc. The fact that we were not allowed to do that, to me points to there not being a god. I could be wrong about that, but if there is a god who let this happen, then as far as i'm concerned that god is a fucking bastard. Anyway, sorry about ranting about god, but that really is how I feel about it.

If there is any kind of afterlife to which we go after death, then i'm sure that your wife (and my husband, and m morgan's husband, etc.) is waiting for you there. If human souls continue to exist after death, then I know that my husband still loves me as always, and i'm sure the same is true of your wife.

Comment by morgan on November 12, 2014 at 12:34am

Meaningless.  One word that communicates what I am struggling to overcome.  From the very beginning I asked people who were recommending ways to experience my grief (the ones that think drugs and therapy will bring back sunshine automatically) " give me one good reason why I should go one".  Just one.  No one can provide even one.  No one can provide what I do is now "meaningful".  I see it as Groundhog day.  I do, and then do some more and continue to do but there is no reason for it. No meaning.  

I can only say that looking to 16 years of this when I am feeling like I am is not a very encouraging state.  I too thought that my beloved husband and I would spend our years growing old together.  He was 64, I am 62. I thought "come grow old with me, the best is yet to be" was where we were headed.  Now I just want out.  I will never be with anyone else.  That is definite.  And I am not meant to live alone.  It is why I am so desperate to leave.  I cannot live without him and it has become excruciatingly painful.  I knew what I was losing and we were so busy just trying to save his life that we forgot what terminal cancer meant.  I am tired and want to join him.  

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