Ste today I had to get the train to London. I couldn't help but compare my journey of grief with my journey on that train. 

I sat on the train among strangers. As soon as people get on the train they become lifeless.I feel unconscious without you -I feel my soul has been ripped from my being as if all hope is gone. 

No one shows any emotion they all avoid eye…

I know the title may not sound right but that is how I feel. I lost my son on 9/19/14 due to an overdose. We are not quite sure as of yet until the toxicology reports come back. 

For some reason, I feel that I should be grieving more than I have and been. Does that make sense? I don't know why I feel this way. Has anyone else been through this? It has only been 3 weeks. One…

today I sat by my son crying so hard, this weekend is my first thanks giving with out him, we don't celebrate any of them any more. there just another dam day. but at the same time its so hard and it hurts so bad. as I type this my tears are falling, oh god I need my shawn, I miss his smile, voice, his smell. I want so much to hear him call me  MOM, im so empty in side. how do I get through this weekend, and soon after nov 5 it will be a year, omg I cant do this, I cant go on with out him, I…

It's been a really tough few weeks. October is a bittersweet month. Bens anniversary, on the 7th. My 32nd wedding anniversary on the 9th, and the death of my sweet Lil Del on the 17th. I thought I could handle it all very well this year. Then I got sick. I figured it was bad, but I wasn't sure what was going on. I had some tests run, because I haven't been able to take in much food or liquids, and have been having awful pain in my abdomen. Well turns out I have a huge bleeding ulcer in the…

He died on May 29th of this year in Cuba, I was able to be by his side until his last day.

Yesterday I was suspended with pay from work as a result for a hearing I had in June of this year when I came back from Cuba after being a month out there.

I brought back all the proof they needed like a death certificate, plane ticket stubs, emails, but it looks like it wasn't enough and now I'm facing a future without a job. It seemed so ironic that they would send me home on what would…

Although it's been almost 10 months since you went away, iI still feel like you'll be coming home soon... 

It may not be healthy, but in my heart there's no room for your absence.  So,  I keep hoping that this last 10 months were nothing but a nightmare... 

I can't hear your voice...  I can't feel your arms around me,  and that's making go…

my beautiful son shawn, my heart aches so much each and every day for you. sometimes I wonder where all my tears come from, I cry so much my eyes hurt. there are times I just want to scream my head off, and times I just cant breathe. shawn I cant go on, I just cant move any more. I think about being with you each and everyday. that's what I want more then anything.  to kiss your face, hold you, and never let you go. how can everyone go on, my heart is so empty, broken, shattered.  my life is…

Oct 1 2014 -  Today was another long day where time catches up to you and you cant help but think of the ones that have passed. My husbands father is here from out of state and i cant help but go to that place where you wish it was you. To be with your father. But in April that dream of spending a week with my father slipped away right before my eyes .…

Rest In Peace my love

Everlasting in my memories

So dearly loved

Time will unite us

I will always love you

Never forgotten…

I am just over two months into my Grief journey so I thought I would share some thoughts on it with you.

Yes I still cry there are many tears-but what is a tear. A tear is a mini universe of the feelings and moments you shared with your loved one. Your tears are your way of expressing that love you felt for them. Every tear you shed is a blessing for them like putting the sign of the cross on your head with holy…

everyday the pain gets worse, to lose my only child my beautiful son shawn. my heart hurts so bad and to breathe even gets harder. tears fall so easy, shawn you are and will always be my life, my love. will I ever get passed this NO. can I go on without you  NO. you are the best thing that ever happened to me, without you its just not worth it any more. I know when I cry and talk to you , you can hear me. I know you can feel me. but for me not to feel you hear you see you its  killing me. I…

Ste 

As I left work today my mind played a cruel trick on me-I thought I saw you walking towards me -like when you used to meet me -you would bounce towards me baseball cap on head with with a grin from ear to ear. My heart lept and filled with joy and my voice cried out silently Ste- but then -the realisation it was a stranger blasted my mind like I'd been waterboarded and my heart fell and felt like I had left it on the pavement behind me as the truth of your death hit me again like…

Ste

This is how it feels without you -the constant pain and heartbreak that happens when I go to bed , when I wake up and at odd times when I have a moment of oblivion like a day dream and then the certain realisation of your death hits me like a knife piercing my heart and soul that you are forever gone.

Yet I still feel connected to you -how can you be gone-I still love you and miss you more than life itself. After two months It doesn't seem to get better I have learnt that I…

Why is it when someone you love dies that you replay years worth of memories in your head in a few hours remembering every word, every look, every emotion you felt and witnessed and yet you crave new memories that are no longer possible. You ring their phone just to hear their voicemail kick in and you crave to still speak to them -the phone rings and you think it may be them but it is not possible.…