My journey of grief started when the love of my life Ste died. It was and still is a very deep connection.

 

At first I was in shock and felt numb. I remember saying to myself keep it together Marie focus on what needs to be done with the funeral you have the rest of your life to grieve. 

 

Even at the funeral it was like a dream-was he really dead -how could he be when all his belongings were around me and the connection I felt when he was alive was just as strong. 

 

After the funeral the grief process started. I cried and remembered and cried and remembered I longed and yearned for him to be back in my life-to see him or hear him. The pain of his loss felt so real like my heart was breaking over and over with each passing day.

 

Some people didn't understand my grief as they had not experienced it. They knew my boyfriend had died but didn't know what to say apart from I'm so sorry for your loss.I became invisible to some people. If I would have fallen down in front of them and was bleeding and crying I'm sure they would have picked me up and said are you alright do you need help. But with grief your heart is bleeding and you cry but people don't know what to say or what help to give. Nobody likes to speak about it they change the subject but the next time they see you -they say how are you-you really want to say well I feel like I'm dying inside and I need a hug but you say I'm fine or I'm ok and change the subject as you know from the look in their eyes they are just being polite and wouldn't be able to handle the truth. 

 

I started writing down my feelings and experience in order to have some outlet and to share with others how I feel. I also knew I wasn't alone in feeling like I do when others commented on my articles. 

 

This is an experience I would not wish upon anyone the pain at times is unbearable. I take comfort in my memories . I know I am on a healing journey and take positive steps to try to learn to live without my loved one. I constantly check my feelings now and vent them on paper to release my sadness.

 

I have been told to get a life and life goes on. I know I'm lucky to be alive but the one I loved isn't so it feels natural for me to mourn that love a little its bound to impact on my emotions if it didn't I would be a robot. I've been told to let it go -why would I want to forget my loved one so soon -please give me some time. I've be told to stop dwelling in misery or in the past. My memories are all I have now-I can't have new ones. I am slowly turning my misery as they call it into something marvellous I am writing poems and articles that will help express my grief and help others to understand it and feel they are not alone. I've been told stop talking to sad people on these sites. Well it is the people on these sites that have understood me and provided kind words and comfort and I thank them for that with all my heart.

 

I am two months into my journey -life goes on everything changes I know, I will heal in my own time. I will never be completely the same and some scars will remain but I will wear those scars with pride as they are a sign that I loved with a passion which is what life is all about so please be patient while I am on my positive journey.

Thank You

Marie

 

Ste GBNF <3