It's been a really tough few weeks. October is a bittersweet month. Bens anniversary, on the 7th. My 32nd wedding anniversary on the 9th, and the death of my sweet Lil Del on the 17th. I thought I could handle it all very well this year. Then I got sick. I figured it was bad, but I wasn't sure what was going on. I had some tests run, because I haven't been able to take in much food or liquids, and have been having awful pain in my abdomen. Well turns out I have a huge bleeding ulcer in the duodenum, with a large blood clot. Ok I can handle that. Then I got in a big fight with my daughters so they are not speaking to me. Now I have adhesions growing in my abdomen wrapping around my organs and causing unspeakable pain. I need surgery because of the pain also because I also have bowel obstructions throughout my bowel. How did this all start? I can't have surgery until the ulcer heals, because it's too dangerous to open me up with the ulcer and blood clot.

On mon. the 6th was 7 years my Ben has been gone. After he died I tried to get him a Army National Guard footstone for his grave. I was told he was a week short of boots on the ground deployed in Iraq. I was a bit angry about this because Ben was a platoon leader. A bomb hunter, and he was very good to his fellow soldiers and the children of Iraq. I was shocked they would be so fussy about one week considering all he had done for his country. Plus he was being deployed for a second time 2 months after the accident that he volunteered for. Well on the 7th anniversary of his death a footstone came for him from the Army National Guard. Im grateful it came on this day. I'm also happy for Ben cause I know the footstone would make him proud. Even after all this time it still hurts like heck, and I still yearn for him.

So I'm taking one day at a time. I'm sure I can't take on anymore. I can handle one day at a time. I hope! I pray that I'll be alright, but to be honest if I don't make it through all of this I have hope that I too will go to heaven.