today my doctor is coming for a visit, its going to be hard talking about the holidays. I just hate them so much anymore. a friend dropped a card off with tiny butterflys, flowers and angels inside and asked me to sprinkle them where shawn is resting, I cryed so hard, its a beautiful thing to do. its getting harder to sleep and I feel so tired. I just want so much for these holidays to be over. its just to painfull with out my baby. I want so much to sleep and never wake up, to hold my son forever, my only wish.