everyday is the same, same pain, same tears, same emptiness, same heart break, how can I go on without you, how does everyone else go on knowing you went away. I ask you every night why you left me, but you never answer me. I sit and watch the butterflys  sitting on your beautiful butterfly bush. and I cry.  I ask you to tell me what you want me to do, again no answer,theres no such thing as a good day any more. everyday is to  filled with pain. filled with tears, sleepless nights, needing…

yesterday we had a lot of company, it was kinda nice, till one asked, hows shawn. I heart fell. I went into the house and cryed. I guess these days will come but I just cant deal with it. one of shawns friends next door got married last night,  it really was a hard night for me and cryed myself to sleep. god it hurts, I miss him so much, I just want to be with him, im so ready to go please.

I baked  mini peach pies the other day, today I baked dark fudge chocolate cup cakes with butter cream iceing. my husband ken said  wow nice  who are you baking all that for, with out even thinking I said, for shawn, he will love this. when I realized what I had said my heart dropped. shawn loves my baking,  dear god I miss my baby so much, I love him  more then life.  trying so hard to keep busy but its not working, every thing I do and did  is for shawn,  I felt shawn touch my arm today, I…

today my husband went to help a friend at 3 this morning, being all alone hurts. I cryed all morning, then I went to see my son, talking to him and crying my heart out I feel hes there hearing what im saying. I water his floers and wipe off his stone, like I do everyday. how can my heart keep breaking, I know theres nothing left. I see people that look like him and it takes everything I have not to run and hug them, instead I just cry. the phone never rings any more, friends never come over,…

I pray  my heart beat would stop. then I could take my sons hand and go with him, to hold him and never let him go. to see my mom again after 33 years, I would hold them so tight . I could smile and laugh once more, if I could just be happy again. I feel it will never happen. please shawn answer my questions, hear my crys.  I need you shawn, I want so bad for you to come to my dreams, I have not had a dream since you went away, soon it will be 10 months,  we have never been apart that long…

I forget what its like to feel anymore. I have no energy to do any thing out side the house. I keep asking to go with shawn, there nothing here, my life is over . I want so bad to hear the word  MOM  I need to hear it, how can I go on and never hear it again. I don't know in my heart if he hears me everyday, crying , telling him I love him, I need him, I cant go on with out him. please let me hear his voice again, I cant do this, the pain is so over whelming, unbearable, I want to hug him,…

today my older sister called and it was another big fight, now in a few days I have fought with both my sisters, they are telling me to stop crying get on with life. there upset that I have made no time to get to know there grandkids. I cant believe  its all about them, all I have ever wanted was for them to stop cutting me off when I talk about shawn. and everything blew up. I just cant  do this any more I cant. I have never been so tired, so hurt by my sisters. I just want so bad to go…

this morning my cousin came over for a visit. we sat on the veranda and talked for 2 hours about shawn. it was nice. I tried hard to hold back my tears , some slipped out. she understands my  unbearable pain, and knows why I just don't smile any more.  then I went to see my baby, I cryed so hard  telling him about my morning. how I miss and love him so very very much. I told him I need to feel him more, to please help me. I know hes here and I know he will help me through this.  I need him…

my eyes hurt so bad, if this is living I don't want it any more. I hurt all over and im so tired. my brother was here today, ask me if ill ever smile again, he misses it. I said no theres nothing to smile for. I can see the pain in his eyes when he looks at me, it takes everything I have not to cry. he took out beautiful flowers to shawn and my heart  just broke, I can see hes hiding the tears for me. its getting harder and harder to go on every day, I am trying but I just keep crying, I…

today I went for a small boat ride with my cousin her husband and mine. I thought it would be nice to get out but I was so wrong. I wanted to scream, and cry, all I could think about was my shawn, I knew he would have liked it.  I prayed he was with me. I tried to smile but it was to hard, I just wanted to go to bed and cry. my only dream is to be with my son, I miss him so much love him more then I can say.    love you forever shawn   mom

shawn its been so hard without you. there are times I know you are here, but I still feel so very alone. how do I go on? I cry so hard and long everyday. god how I miss you, I miss the things you use to do, I miss going out with you, and cooking you a dinner, sat and sun I miss picking you up from work. hearing your voice and I want so bad to hear I love you mom. I need to dream of you but I don't, im so afraid you wont come home but I tell myself you will, when god fixes your beautiful…

everyday it hurts so bad,  I keep asking why? and I get no answers. I miss you more then life and I have never felt so much pain in my heart. I cry so much I can hardly see, my eyes are so swollen, I wonder where they come from. I keep telling my self when your beautiful heart is better you will come back to me, without that wishing I have nothing to live for. I would sell my soul if I could have one more day with you, to hold you see you hear your voice again, to hear mom again and to say…