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Comment by Monique Angelich on March 26, 2015 at 7:00am

No offense, but with a sister like that. ..

Where there is life there is hope. Hope for change for the better. When our bodies are gone we don't get angry new choices. I'm too much a control freak to give up

Comment by morgan on March 18, 2015 at 11:38pm

 

Kim

I have never written in response to your posts but I have read them.  I have always said to myself this is a woman who is really hurting.  You were really attached to your son. You express yourself in words that create a vivid picture of the intense grief you are enduring.  It is pretty evident you are in a bad place.  

 

I am not one to be able to tell you what to do.  That is your own personal decision.  What I will say is your pain is acknowledged by each and every one of us because we all suffer from shaking hands with death.  That's what we have had to do and none of us were prepared for this assault on our psyche.  This is a massively disrupting time in our lives.  We have no tools to actually combat this assault.  No manual. No training.  We are wired to love and live.  We don't understand what it is to absorb being hit by a train. The best we can do is learn to walk again only we have no guidance.  We stumble, we fall, we get up, try to walk, then we stumble, fall, rinse and repeat.  We do this every day.  Hours out of everyday are spent trying to understand, to walk again.  

Death is the best kept secret of mankind.  We are not allowed even the slightest glimmer of what it means.  We have spent our life having answers to the most perplexing questions posed to us and then there is this.  The separation with no answers is more than daunting.  It is so hard.  So so hard. Essentially there is no answer. Ending it all is not an answer.  It's an option but it won't answer any of your questions.  Do we need to wait it out? Maybe.  How? I don’t know.  Crying and hoping is what I do.  Not much of an offering for your pain but I am sure of one thing.  You are not alone on this path.  I am right beside you.

Take care.

 

Comment by MarieSte on March 17, 2015 at 11:49am

Kim I'm so sorry you are feeling so much pain. As you say you were waiting for Shawn to help you decide. Shawn is still with you in spirit. Put your hand on your heart. You will feel it now beats for you both -you will feel his love with every beat. Put your hand high in the air-you will feel the cool air run through your fingers -his presence is all around you. He sees the world through your eyes now. He know's you love him and he knows your grief and tears are a symptom of the pain you feel for his physical loss. write him a letter telling him how you feel. Light a candle and talk to him-he can hear you. He wouldn't want you to harm yourself. He will send you strength and signs he is still watching over you. You are his forever mom he knows you will always be here for him. Every sweet memory you have of Shawn is an I love you from him in your mind. I'm sending you strength-hold on-you are not alone on this site. Bless you

Comment by Sharon on March 17, 2015 at 11:19am

Oh Kim, I am so sorry.  Please do not take the pills.  I thought about it when my son died 5 weeks ago, but I decided that I couldn't inflict this horrible pain onto my daughter and older son. I wouldn't wish this suffering anyone.  I did tell my therapist, and she said that although I felt like I wanted to die, it was just the pain I was trying to get escape from. I hope you have someone you can talk to. You can always message me.  We are all here for you.  We will walk this journey of recovery together.

 

Comment by Connie K on March 17, 2015 at 9:33am

KIm

I am so sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. No you shouldn't take those pills. Please try to find a professional to talk to. I know it seems there may be no reason to go on but each life is precious and has meaning. Yours too. I know if i stay home all the time and immerse myself in grief it is just worse. You need to find something to do to serve others and get outside of your mind. That is the only thing that helps me feel better. Love to you Kim. We are here for you. Love Connie