I forget what its like to feel anymore. I have no energy to do any thing out side the house. I keep asking to go with shawn, there nothing here, my life is over . I want so bad to hear the word  MOM  I need to hear it, how can I go on and never hear it again. I don't know in my heart if he hears me everyday, crying , telling him I love him, I need him, I cant go on with out him. please let me hear his voice again, I cant do this, the pain is so over whelming, unbearable, I want to hug him, kiss him. feel my sons arms around me, why does he make us suffer, im begging him to take me to shawn, he wont answer me why?  I will not go on this way forever, I will not live with out shawn, my baby. im ready so very ready. if there truly is a god take me to my son, stop my suffering, stop my pain.  no one comes around any more, some times I understand why, but other times it hurts.  I don't want to live like this, feeling empty all the time. never sleeping, waking up with tears, going to bed with tears. 

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Comment by Lise M. on August 18, 2014 at 5:58pm

Hey there Kim- I understand in part that horrible feeling of emptiness.  You said- no-one comes around anymore (and how it hurts).  I understand that too.  I became very withdrawn caring for my mother- it's all I had time for but now my days and nights are very empty and it does hurt.  I felt almost punished for being the good daughter but I know it's just the pain talking.  

Now I'm having to force myself to get up and about.  I force myself to get exercise and I feel better- maybe not great but definitely better.  I push myself to take long walks in the park, I force myself to observe nature and write (or draw) what I see- because it's outside myself.  What is inside is too unbearable.  

I force myself to enroll in art classes or go to fairs, outdoor markets, live performances...  In general, I force myself to interact.  Slowly, it feels better.  I'm not better, not by a long shot but I haven't taken charge of my life for much too long- my grief has taken charge of me.  I'm still going through the motions of living but I do feel slightly better when I do.  Maybe next week I'll feel a little more (instead of less) and so on...  I don't know what else to do and I've already tried nothing.

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