this morning my cousin came over for a visit. we sat on the veranda and talked for 2 hours about shawn. it was nice. I tried hard to hold back my tears , some slipped out. she understands my  unbearable pain, and knows why I just don't smile any more.  then I went to see my baby, I cryed so hard  telling him about my morning. how I miss and love him so very very much. I told him I need to feel him more, to please help me. I know hes here and I know he will help me through this.  I need him to come to my dreams to call me mom again, to hear that beautiful voice again.   my heart is so filled with pain it hurts everyday.