Well plan A continues to fail.  I have note woken from this bad dream yet.  Plan B also has been fruitless, my time machine still isn't working.  I currently have no plan C so I guess I will continue to write about my daily angst.

I saw my therapist again today, she's a good listener, but she seems to be running out of helpful advice.  I will continue to see her as long as I feel better when I leave.  

After that, I went home.  My oldest sister came over to pick…

So many emotions are running through my head this morning, the loneliness which is ironically becoming my constant companion, anger at my wife for deserting us, fear of how can I manage the future and care for my son without her.  All of them combining for a big anxiety cocktail to start the day.

My son is a large concern for me, he is a mentally challenged 19 year old young man. Many of my fears swirl around him.  Will I get him to a point of being able to live independently?…

I slept very poorly last night. I did not actually fall asleep until after 4:00 am this morning.  My phone rang at 9:00 am waking me.  It was the funeral director calling me to tell me my wife's death certificates came in.  So it was with mixed feelings I woke up.

I picked up the certificates and scanned down to the cause, it was listed as accidental, combined drug poisoning.  I knew it was the drugs & alcohol and was thankful the document did not list the cause as…

I can't sleep.  It's 3:15 am in the morning here and I am mired in my thoughts.  I made the mistake of falling asleep on the sofa in the early evening and I think that brief nap is causing me problems now.

Today was spent going through more of my wife's things with my sister and nephew.  It was difficult.  One of the boxes we opened had some old photos of my wife from before she met me.  My wife had been briefly married before we met for about a year, and the photos I found…

I wonder just how long it will take me to wake up, and not have my thoughts immediately focus on missing my wife.    I can say not today.  

Perhaps writing this stuff every day will establish a timeline that others can look in the future.  I hope it has some positive use to others.

So here it is more than 7 weeks away from my wife.  The anxiety seems to be somewhat less than other days, feeling very lonely though.

I live out in the country with no…

Today I was busy for most of the day, and it helped.  

I may have written it here before, but my wife had accumulated a tremendous amount of things over the course of our marriage.  So now I have the task of making the house my and my sons house and that entails cleaning out her things.  I am saving photos and things with real sentimental value but that is small compared to the mountains of stuff that needs to go.  I do not want to live in a shrine.  I am not doing this to…

Intense longing for my Cheryl all day,  I have not been able to shake it.

I went for a few mile walk in the park with my son and lost it while there.  Then my son wanted some ice cream so we went by the shop in town that we like.  Adjacent to the ice cream shop is a consignment store that my sister had taken many of Cheryl's clothes.  I made the mistake of looking…

Well here I am again. It's morning and I am alone, contemplating my loss, longing, trying to stave off anxiety, trying to imagine a better future and think of something positive.

I was reading on anxiety last night, since it seems to be the most damaging to my psyche right now and found this on the Psychology Today…

It's May, perhaps this month will start an upturn for the better.

I woke this morning with anxiety hitting pretty bad, my mind went to some pretty dark places at that point.  I then started to read an article about the Dutch Tulip Bulb Bubble of the early 1600's and the wave of anxiety passed.  I need to remember that anxiety comes in waves and I was able to get out of it just by focusing on reading.  I also heard from the old friend who contacted me last week again, I was…

I talked to my sister this afternoon.  I told her I was missing my wife and feeling very lonely.  Her response was a pep talk and how I would find someone again.  All that just reinforced the finality of my wife being gone.  

So tonight instead of the evening calmness, I have anxiety.  My mind is not clear.  I guess it's the realization of never having my wife back, combined with the fear of never feeling the intimate closeness that I took for granted too much of the time.  My…

I woke up today with less anxiety, but it is only supplanted with the deep longing for my wife.  She was almost always happy in the morning, I long to see her smile at me again when I wake up, and I never will.  Anything and everything triggers the longing.  I can't look at myself in the mirror without thinking of her.  I am 53 years old, I met my wife when I was 22, we were together for 31 years, how can the void be healed? 

Perhaps the reason mornings are so rough for me is…

Today was a day, my back issues were bothering me for a lot of the day (diagnosed with herniated disc), so I basically put up with the discomfort until it resolves, it could be months or role the dice and go under the knife.  Right now I really want to avoid surgery.

I also met with my contractor regarding home repairs, he did not feel the house issues were as severe as I thought so that is one good thing.  But, he can't do the work until August.

I also…

I don't understand this, how is it that I can wake up and before any thoughts really go through my mind, I feel anxiety.  It is truly baffling why that occurs.  

Last night I could not fall asleep, that's the first time since my wife passed away that I have had that issue.  By the time I go to bed I am usually mentally exhausted and go right to sleep, but not last night.  I tossed and turned until 2 am then finally fell asleep.  

I have been reading self help…

Evening again, and again feeling relatively calm, still sad, just calm. 

I was listening to Howard Stern interviewing Robert Downy Jr. this morning.  Robert was talking about how people come into and out of our lives, it struck a cord.  

I need to learn to control my thoughts better, the reality I have created in my head is not a good place to have to dwell.  Too much worrying.

I know I can get through this, I know I have worth, I know the world…

Another day begins, ugh.

Today's itinerary:

1) Open eyes and realize the nightmare continues

2) Anxiety builds as I think of what I have to do and know the level of loneliness I will feel.

3) Plan tasks to fill meaningless day

4) Do tasks like an automaton, while mind lives in past replaying what I should have done or said.

5) Suffer, suffer, and suffer some more

6) Hope for some calmness…

I completely freaked out about an hour ago, I was at the airport waiting to catch my flight.  

The health problem i thought was resolving came back in full force.  I forgot to take the prescription anti-inflammatory yesterday and today, then to top it all I forgot to pack them for my trip.  I had committed go back to work and they way I felt at the airport made me bail out on going back to work.  I have never used so much sick leave in my life, fortunately I have a lot of sick…

I didn't write anything yesterday, so this is two days worth.  

Yesterday an antique dealer come over to pick over my wife things.  It was a miserable experience, strangers in my home offering pennies on the dollar of things my wife valued.  I had to walk away several times to regain my composure.  But it has to be done, my wife had too, too many things and I can not live with the clutter and all the reminders.

My sister was there with me and after they left we…

Not a dark post, suitable for all viewers.

I was down most of the day and evening.  It was finally around 10:30 pm starting feeling normal. What a welcome reprieve.  I talked with my sister, that helped some, then heard from an old friend, that I have not talked to in a good while, made me feel good, yes actually good.  

For me, the farther on this road I travel, the more it comes down to human interaction.  

I apologize for such a negative post…

This is a dark and negative post, nothing positive, read it at your own risk.

Anxiety.

It's back, and it sucks.  I worry about my son a lot. He is mentally challenged and this morning those worries combined with everything else, have me wanting to jump out of my skin.  I try to meditate to clear my mind, it's not working.  I want to curl up in bed with my wife, and that is gone forever.  I want to discuss my sons issues with her, never again.  I want her to tell…

Each day things change.  

My biggest problem recently was the anxiety.  Today not so much, today it was deep longing for my wife and terrible loneliness.  That was combined with my sister coming over to help go through my wife's things and I was a mess.  Not much I could do to prevent getting upset, just too many triggers.  My sister did her best to get me out of my funk but it did little good, I think it was something I just had to get through.  Now I'm not too bad, maybe…