This is a dark and negative post, nothing positive, read it at your own risk.

Anxiety.

It's back, and it sucks.  I worry about my son a lot. He is mentally challenged and this morning those worries combined with everything else, have me wanting to jump out of my skin.  I try to meditate to clear my mind, it's not working.  I want to curl up in bed with my wife, and that is gone forever.  I want to discuss my sons issues with her, never again.  I want her to tell me to relax, everything will be ok, not happening.  So here I am clicking on a keyboard to whoever will read this, looking for something to calm me, and wanting to scream out, "Why Me!"

I wish I been born to one of those undiscovered tribes in the Amazon or New Guinea where everyone lives together in one large hut, it must be a wonderful, the feeling of comfort and closeness.  And it is totally lost in modern society.   Families today are spread around the world, my closest relative besides my son, my sister lives  45 minutes away and I feel guilty for leaning on her so much.  

Here's what playing through my mind right now: "Why Cheryl?  Why did you choose to leave us?  How could you do that to Max and I?  Why can't I have you back? Why? If you knew the pain you've inflicted you would not have done this.  I want you back.  I can't have you back.  It hurts so much.  I fear the future.  The last six weeks have been a nightmare, how long can this/I last?"

And now I lay here in bed sobbing, trying to regroup wishing the Sun would explode and end this cruel existence.