Yesterday I said I was not going to dwell on the loss of my wife Cheryl, today I am, at least in this blog post.

It's another morning and I have been lying in bed for a few hours hoping to fall back asleep.  But I have had no luck.  My mind of course has been thinking of Cheryl.  Of the more than 31 years we knew each other, and how we had so many experiences together that we could always share a private laugh.  And now those memories are only mine.  They feel like such a liability right now.  What used to make "us" laugh now makes "me" cry.

I was thinking of "Shake and Bake" this morning.  The food product that you coat chicken with and then bake it in the oven.  It's completely meaningless to most people.  But in 1984, when I had just transferred to Andrews Air Force base as a young officer.  Cheryl and I were staying in the temporary housing on base.  Cheryl decided she would make "Shake and Bake" chicken for our dinner.  I don't recall what distracted us but the chicken was in the oven too long and began to burn and the oven started to smoke.  Not really any big deal, we turned off the oven and opened the door to our quarters to let out the smoke.  When I stepped outside I heard sirens of emergency vehicles and very shortly thereafter they pulled up in front of our place.  Unknown to us the smoke detectors in our quarters were wired directly to the fire station.  After that about a dozen fireman all walked into our kitchen each taking a turn looking at our charred Shake and Bake dinner.  It was comical, they all had to look over our ruined dinner.  And forever after that Shake and Bake was a humorous memory for "us".  And now as I right this tears are running down my cheeks.  

As I wrote yesterday, I want to get through this.  I want to laugh again.  But 31 years of memories good and bad are impossible to stuff away in a box in my head.  I have to learn to deal with them better.

On to other things, on the news yesterday  I saw that Anne Meara,  mother of Ben Stiller  and husband of Jerry Stiller who were married for 61 years, died yesterday, she was 85.  I used to hear these things on the news and not think a whole lot about them, but now it's different.  One of my thoughts was envy, they had 61 years together and this was natural, she was 85, that's how the world is suppose to work.  Then I thought of her husband, Jerry Stiller, the utter devastation he must feel.  

I have written here that I want to fall in love again and continue on, I want to make new pleasant memories.  I have at least a glimmer of hope that I can get through this, but I am 53.   Jerry Stiller is 87, can he possibly feel any hope.   I don't know, but my deepest condolences to him and his family.  

Also in yesterdays news,