Well plan A continues to fail.  I have note woken from this bad dream yet.  Plan B also has been fruitless, my time machine still isn't working.  I currently have no plan C so I guess I will continue to write about my daily angst.

I saw my therapist again today, she's a good listener, but she seems to be running out of helpful advice.  I will continue to see her as long as I feel better when I leave.  

After that, I went home.  My oldest sister came over to pick up a piece of furniture she wanted.  I spoke with her for a while, we have not really talked in several years until recently.  The talk just confirmed that we all have our crosses to bear.  I felt bad for having lost contact with her for so long.

Next I went to the nursing home my mother is in with my son and met my other sister and nephew there.  We visited my mother who has severe alzheimers.  My son stayed only for a short time then he went to wait in my car, it was too hard on him to see his Gram in such a difficult state.  But I stayed for a while, the few moments of cognition my mother had today were worth it. She said my name once, and it was one of the very few moments of comfort I have felt since my wife passed away.  I guess it made me feel that there was still part of one of the two women I have loved still here.

After that we continued to fill the day.  We went and looked at new car, my current car is 12 years old.  I used to pride myself on keeping older vehicles in good shape and not wasting money on new vehicles every few years.  But I have to have a reliable vehicle now and one thats 12 years old, even well maintained, is still iffy. I can not drive my wifes car.  Her car is just too strong a reminder.  So I plan to trade both of them in.  If you're curious I plan getting a Nissan Murano.

The loneliness and sadness hit hard this evening, but it was only for a short time, and now  I am thinking of it again.  The thought that is hurting today is that I will never see my wife smile at me again, that hurts me.

I just turned on a television show I like on the Science Channel called, "Through The Wormhole", hosted by Morgan Freeman.  Tonight's episode is called, "Can Time Go Backwards?".  And they just used one of my favorite Einstein quotes, "the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion".  Maybe I should get back to work on plan B.

Have a good night everyone.

Mark