I am filled with anxiety right now.  Immediate worries and long term ones overwhelming me.  My back issues flaring up bad, right now.  Missing my wife so much, she was a nurse and always came to aid when health issues cropped up.  She always had a smile in the morning and never will I experience that again. I have no one to comfort me, and I need that so.  Why has the universe been so cruel?  My state needs to improve soon, I fear that it could warp my personality into something ugly.

My long term fears are here as well.  I fear for my son, he's mentally challenged.  He has little motivation towards being independent, few friends and the ones he has are not ones I would choose for him. He is completely reliant on me now.  How will he survive when I am not here.  I have significant money put away.  He has no money management skills and he would be such easy prey for unscrupulous people.  Again the comfort of my wife is so dearly missed, and yet the hurt is deepened because of her terribly poor choice to leave us when intoxicated.

I never thought about dying myself much aside from buying life insurance for myself and family.  And I did not think about my wife dying, I never considered the difficulties of the one left behind.  There are 7 billion people on the Earth, it's hard to fathom that half of them will be the ones left behind to deal with this horrific grief.

Perhaps the high divorce rates are actually a good thing in modern society.  Of the 7 billion people on Earth, how many really go all in emotionally when they marry now or choose to never marry?  Do a lot hold back because divorce is so prevalent, thereby shielding themselves from this deep anguish?  How do people feel when their ex spouse passes?  Is there any grief or have they built such mountains of hate they feel good?  So little help seems available considering the level of suffering we feel, and that which is available is mostly religious oriented or aimed at those much older than I.  Maybe I should start my own group.  I wonder if anybody would show up? 

Pecking at this keyboard seems to have let the wave of anxiety pass, thanks for listening to my blather again.

My therapist described this as complicated grief.  I can certainly say it is not simple. 

Mark