Well I had just written about three paragraphs and my fingers slipped on the keyboard and it was all deleted, maybe the universe was just telling me that it stunk and wasn't worthy of the paper it was printed on.  So perhaps I should write something different.

It was a down and up day.  It did not start well, anxiety again.  I thought I would do basic chores today and stay away from obvious triggers.  I went out and bought a new lawn mower, nothing fancy, just a push mower and cut my yard.  Pushing the mower used to be relaxing, a type of meditation for me, but not anymore.  Instead of calm thoughts, I spent the time battling unpleasant, repetitive, none productive thoughts and scenarios.  All aspects of my life have changed.

The biggest downturn of the day was when I was talking to my son and quizzed him too much about the night my wife passed away.  I feel drawn to ask him because he is the only person that knows what happened that night.  But it got to him and I then spent about 40 minutes calming him down.  I apologized for asking too much and told him I would stop asking about that night but if he wanted too talk about it in the future I would appreciate it. 

The day took a positive turn when my nephew came over and the three of us left for the Pittsburgh Pirate game.  We had a great meal before the game and great seats.  I was able to lose myself in the game for a good part of it.  Mental engagement for me seems to be the greatest help.  Whether it's talking to people, actively reading, or letting myself enjoy a sporting event.

Another day to cross off the calendar.