I could not fall asleep last night again.  I think it was nearly 4 am when I did doze off, and then I immediately started having an unpleasant dream.  All the details aren't necessary but it ended with something grabbing my arm and not letting go.  The next thing I know, I was yelling my wifes name for help, I was so loud I not only woke myself but my son too in his bedroom, quite unpleasant.  The only meaning that I can attach to it is the pervasive longing for my wife is rooted pretty deeply in my mind,not really any surprise.

Next I was woken by a phone call, the county Coroners office finally returned my calls.  I called my insurance company two nights ago after getting her death certificates to begin the claim process.  I was told due to the fact that my wife passed away at home I would need a coroners report.  Working with the coroners office has been frustrating,  many calls, few returned, and long delays.  It took nearly two months to get death certificated.  It must significantly add to the nightmare for a lot of families, if accounts were not structured properly or they are depending on insurance to get them through these tough times.  Well, the whole point of this long winded paragraph was that a wake up call after little sleep from the coroners office is not a great way to start a day.  But it begins.

I can feel a little anxiety, it seems to be most common in the morning, but not as bad as yesterday.  The antique vulture/dealer is coming by this morning to pick up a few more of my wife's things.  I am dreading that, my sister won't be here and I don't like letting go of my wife's treasures alone, I know it needs done, I know I am not being disrespectful, I know I have to make the house livable for my son and I without her, but the emotional side of me feels like it is her that I am discarding when I remove her things.  It seems to be a constant confrontation between emotions and logic.  

I wonder what my wife would do if the situation was reversed?  I wish we had more serious conversations about how we expected the survivor to move on.  We talked about a few things, I knew what she wanted regarding the ceremony and her remains.  Aside from that little was discussed in a serious matter.  I wish at one point she had told me, "I want you to go on and be happy".