So many emotions are running through my head this morning, the loneliness which is ironically becoming my constant companion, anger at my wife for deserting us, fear of how can I manage the future and care for my son without her.  All of them combining for a big anxiety cocktail to start the day.

My son is a large concern for me, he is a mentally challenged 19 year old young man. Many of my fears swirl around him.  Will I get him to a point of being able to live independently?  What happens to him if something happens to me?  How hurt that he must be without my wife.  How selfish of my wife to desert her son (anger).   I have to get out of this thought loop, it's one of the more painful.

I just saw I got a friend request from John T., thanks John, and thank you for the comment on my blog post from yesterday.  I feel like I am the only person to have ever walked this path, yet have read so much here I know the path has been well worn by many hurt souls.  

Today I have some plans.  I don't how I will feel after them.  I see my counselor at noon, then at three I am meeting my sister and nephew at the nursing home to visit my mother.  She has severe Alzheimers.  I have only visited her once since my wife passed and feel guilty for that; I hope todays visit goes better than the last.  She can only speak a few words, and no longer knows my name.  She seems to still recognize me, because she usually starts crying after sitting and talking to her for a few minutes.  If the universe was fair, she would have passed and been relieved of her suffering on 13 March instead of my wife.  

So many others have written it here before me, but I feel like a morose drone just moving through each day.  Crossing off another day of my life each night.  I need more hope for a brighter future.

Why my wife?  Why my son? Why my mother? Why me?