I slept very poorly last night. I did not actually fall asleep until after 4:00 am this morning.  My phone rang at 9:00 am waking me.  It was the funeral director calling me to tell me my wife's death certificates came in.  So it was with mixed feelings I woke up.

I picked up the certificates and scanned down to the cause, it was listed as accidental, combined drug poisoning.  I knew it was the drugs & alcohol and was thankful the document did not list the cause as suicide.  Then I sat in my car and had a break down, it was difficult to see my wife's name on a death certificate.  

I went home and thought I would get some things done.  I had a box of my wife's old photos from her childhood until shortly before we met. I needed to sort through them and send them to her mother and father.  More grief rolled over me and then I had an epiphany, on why my wife was able to commit suicide and cause the hurt that she did in so many people.  She never suffered a loss of a very close family member.  Her closest relative that has passed away was her grandmother.  She never experienced the agony that so many of us here feel from the loss of a very close loved one.  She had no way to understand how painful it would be to those left behind.  So in that moment of reckless drunken stupidity, she had no scars to remind her not to do it.  Has alcohol ever had a net benefit for humanity? So much misfortune and suffering has been rooted in alcohol.  

I am rather calm now, hopefully I can sleep tonight.  I wish the best for everyone here.