Last night yet again the monsters in my mind came out to play.  I was back in the hospital with my husband thinking he was kidnapped and held against his will.  We were holding him down so the nurses could inject the medication to calm him and he was fighting us all.  My husband had terrible clastrophobia so being held down was its own hell.  All of a sudden it was me being held down, I was Tom I guess and I was feeling all the terror he had felt.  God it was aweful.  I woke up in a full…

Well I have had a few allright days...had a bad night the other night, couldnt sleep at all, but wasnt sad, or crying. Just couldnt turn my brain off. Today I'm listening to music, and going thru pictures...a song came on that made me think of my father, and here starts the waterworks. This sucks. Ill post the song lyrics for you...the song is Leave out all the rest by Linkin Park.

I dreamed I was missing

You were so scared

But no one…

Iam going to buy the most outlandish designed sheet and put it on the bed.I suppose one could go one step further and sell the bed my wife sleeped on . Its almost new bed

everyone grieves differently (thats been said right!) I have some spells(flashbacks) of her last breath. This puts me on the ground,not literally.I gave most of her clothes to goodwill,keep some dresses. There is so much personal belongings both hers and mind.

You collect all this stuff and eventually you pass…

well I read members blogs and have ideas for my blog.Its odd I feel like I have been living in a vacuum my whole life.Everything was further complicated by a pretend marriage and the passing of my wife.Especially by the death of my wife.So I carry a unconsciousness goal of maby dying.As anyone can share ,death is a mystery.My poor wife was turned into a vegetable by the witch doctors a St edwards South austin hospital.So maby I can be pumped full of pain killers and die a no nothing…

Beginning with Completion presents: 

The Possibility of Grief without Suffering:  A roundtable discussion before a live audience on alleviating emotional pain while coping with loss.

A panel of experts practicing a spectrum of emotional, spiritual and artistic healing techniques will address the big question: By clearing away chronic complaints, grudges and past injuries – how can we make room for forgiveness, reconciliation…

Well 2 Fridays ago I learned of my father's passing after almost a year of not being contacted by any of his family and that was a blow to my heart, I cried and cried for about a week straight, and just started to feel like I was getting back to some normalcy here a few days ago....started being able to sleep through the night again without waking up to strange sounds or depressing dreams...and now yesterday my beloved dog of 11 years passed away....crying again all day on and off,  laying…

how do you grieve?why are we thrust into that world alot of us know.Does God sort it out.It makes us wonder about God Many people blame God.God is fair but in a hard way.My own experience

I wonder she dies ( I pull the life support) Why Why Put me into a life that I always ran from .after all Iam 65 able to bounce back uh Able to put it together move on .Well like it or not Doing it whether I like it or not. No not a bed of roses If there was a more simpler way  would we all take…

Sad to report that pancreatic cancer claimed my brother in law's life early this morning.  Over the last 2 years he has cared for my mother in law.  She has Alzheimer and is 90 years old. Roger, my brother in law worked with mom to get her muscles toned and made sure she drank enough etc so that today she is in far better condition than 2 years ago when my father in law passed away.  They were in assisted living - which now I feel was no assistance at all.  Roger was a wonderful son and a…

Today is September 1, 2012, I lost my beautiful older sister of 67 yrs old, from lung cancer on Aug 22, 2012 11:20 pm. Losing my sister has left emptiness in my heart so painful only praying can help get through the day. My sister meant so much to me. Just talking to her made my day. She moved to Florida about a year ago, but we always kept in contact every day. We always had…

This weekend was the wedding of my sisters grandson.  There was a family wedding in April but I did not go to that one.  It was quite a ways away which I used as an excuse for not going but really it was I did not want to go alone.  Right up until Friday when I left home I was going back and forth between wanting to go and wanting to not go but I went.  I have to say Im glad I went.  It was incredibly hard to be one instead of two.  The king size bed would have been heaven with Tom there... …

I read other peoples entries and have made comments. I learned to not comment directly but use the subject matter of the person entry to somment. There are many times where I see ,smell or hear something that reminds me of her. Ill work through it or avoid it. She was on dialysis. I avoid the dialysis clinic (its next the GYm where I go)On the other hand I keep some dresses and shoes of hers . She was oriental (Taiwan) rice was a big thing I haven,t cooked rice since she died or eaten (well…

I was trying to think what to tell my therapist.( I frigging hour to do this) ahh "your the only one preventng me from blowing out my brains"( don,t own a gun) !! Iam not sure if I want to go to a support group . I would lay on my couch all day if given the chance. Iam stuffing my face with pasta as Iam typing this.My upper back hurts. However back to step one or two .I really need to get out and talk to someone.Getting drunk is not the answer.I have forgotton to take my welbutin(anti…

this yer has not bean the best yer wen my dad died in march enen the bging of the yer a gud frend of the family died of canser she never told any 1 she had till we al fond out she died thn my dad went evry 1s favret uncle favert cuzen and favret nephew to my great ant who is still alive thn another frend of the family died in juley thn my cuzen gav birth to a still birth baby boy he wodd of bean a great great cuzen thn we find out my cuzens husband has canser and geting chemo for it thn we…

That is when it hurts the most. When I have a full house, kids, fiancee, mother in law, its easier to block it out. But here I am sitting here in an empty house (kids are sleeping -fiancee and his mom went out for some time together) listening to sad sappy music and crying. I hate this.

 A coworker said and it very true that instead of trying to please my wife ,who sadily passed way that Iam replacing her with her son ,as far as pleasing him or seeking his approval. Enough said

I emailed my stepson and said Iam taking grief(101) learning to be independent.Which again is very true. So I have been making financial decisons and there is a kind of independence slowly working its way in . (AT least I think there is ) in my case I welcome it but in gaining it it was a…

The title says it all. I need to get out of this funk I've been in. Its been a week since I found out...when does it start getting easier? Everything has been suffering. I'm a stay at home mom. My relationship with my fiancee has been suffering. My housework has been suffering. This house looks a mess right now. My fiancee wants to spend time with me and I've just been sleeping nonstop. He understands so he doesnt press the issue, but I don't want my life to suffer because of this. I want to…

I don,t care how our marriage went in the final years. I must have depressed her terribly(maby) I don,t know,she backed me into a corner over the years.Her revengful temper ,(or what  ever you want to call it) came between us,also my inability to get out from under.

So much for that.we were together 35 yrs (since 1977) Sometimes I cann,t bring myself to even type my true feelings. So as everyone knows the loss of someone close is a debilitating. Having to pull her life support haunts…

It feels as if Januray 27th was just yesterday, yet seems so long since I have seen my mother. Ever since she had gastric bypass surgery in 2005, she has had nothing but health problems, especially involving her pancreas, but I never knew it was severe. She was a nurse, so I figured if something was terribly wrong, she would let me know. Or maybe I was just in denial, because parents are suppose to be bullet proof, you…