Last night yet again the monsters in my mind came out to play.  I was back in the hospital with my husband thinking he was kidnapped and held against his will.  We were holding him down so the nurses could inject the medication to calm him and he was fighting us all.  My husband had terrible clastrophobia so being held down was its own hell.  All of a sudden it was me being held down, I was Tom I guess and I was feeling all the terror he had felt.  God it was aweful.  I woke up in a full panic attack.  How can I forgive myself for being part of putting him through that?  How can I forgive God for putting him through it?  I wonder if in the end he died of a broken heart because he thought everyone he loved had turned against him.  I dont need an autopsy report to know my darling Tom had cancer eating away at his brain.  What a horrible way to die.  I hate cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!