I think I've come to the conclusion that I may actually need to do something about the way I've been feeling. I'm not so sure it is "normal", whatever that means anymore. It's been 2 and a half years since she has been gone. That is two and a half years of raw painful grieving. I just keep thinking it has to lighten sometime but the truth is its just getting worse.
Truthfully, If it was acceptable for me to stay home and in my bed crying and sleeping instead of moving on with my life, I would. But it's not acceptable anymore. People don't understand the pain I still deal with every single day. It gets lonely. It's hard to never let anyone know your true self.

I want to be happy again. I just don't see it happening though. I can't see the death of my mother as anything but the start of my demise. I just don't have a clue how to put myself together. I think everything would just be easier if I got in some horrible crash and died. At this point this is my " normal" ...and wanting to die isn't considered a tyical healthy human emotion.
I guess I should try to sleep. Another work day is coming up.