The following post is not meant to offend anyone, I respect everyone's personal beliefs, these just happen to be mine.  Please don't take offense, that is not my purpose.

The conundrum of how the level of grief that I and many of us here feel relates to any evolutionary purpose has been on my mind.   Homo Sapiens have been around about 200,000 years, of that time period the vast majority was spent in the paleolithic era, where humans lived in small groups subsisting by hunting…

Well I slept better last night, so that's something. 

I have contemplated on why mornings are so difficult for me.  My wife was a morning person, almost always waking in a good mood, and I am not.  So she was my sunshine in the morning, I miss that, probably why it hurts so much during that time.

I have things to do today so maybe keeping busy will help me get through the day a little better.  I will still try to battle the thought loops that plague me.

Not having the usual evening calm, tonight it's anxiety.  I never had an issue with this in my life before my wife passed away.  I don't like how it is become a more prevalent feeling.   It's debilitating.

I am still in denial.  How such a good day went so bad, how so many little things would probably changed the outcome, can't come to terms with what happened.  I will never understand the alcohol addiction, putting alcohol before your own welfare and that of your…

It feels like I am playing some kind of war game with my grief, measure vs counter-measure.  What seemed to help and get me out of the loops in my head yesterday are ineffective today.   So today has not been good.

I dreamt of my wife last night, seemed very real, we were sitting and I told her, "I'm sorry" and she said, "It's Ok", and reached to me and I woke.  I think I was apologizing for not be able to save her.

Perhaps I should write more, hence that's why…

As the quote many times attributed to Einstein goes, "The definition of insanity is repeating the same experiment over and over and expecting different results."

So after having a terrible day yesterday and starting to feel like I would end up locked in a padded room, I tried different things today.

First thing I did, was actively fighting the looping tapes that play in my head, each time they would start, I would tell myself to stop, mentally forcing myself to…

Mornings not getting easier.

Remembering the night my wife died,  she felt no pain but has imposed this horrendous agony on my son and I.  Anxiety, loneliness, sadness, anger, bewilderment, loss of hope, future only looks empty.  I know I felt Ok last night for a while, but seems impossible now.

Feeling normal lasted about 3 hours, back down now.  

Feeling Ok at the present time.  

I spent about 5 hours working outside in my yard today.  I had been putting it off, simple tasks seem very difficult now.  However once I got started it was Ok, I spent a lot of time spinning "What If" scenarios in my head, but at some point, I was able to rationalize the pointlessness of me doing it.

The work I did was hard, I think that helped, most physical thing I have done since my wife passed.  As well as a sense of…

I woke up with anxiety this morning.  It has to be the worst raw emotion when couple with grief, guilt, and loneliness.

It's been a little over five weeks, yet people talk about feeling less emotionally crippled in months and years.  That scares me thinking I am so early on in this process.  The night of my wife's passing is still raw and fresh in my head like it happened yesterday, but the pain I have felt since seems like it has been going on for an eternity. 

Morning again, I long for when I would wake and look forward to the day ahead, to just getting up and having a good cup of coffee.  Now when I open my eyes, usually before my alarm goes off, it's like waking into a nightmare.

I close my eyes and try to sleep more, usually that doesn't work.  I try to meditate, by focusing on my breathing, that just brings back horrible memories.  Then I submit to being conscious again, and try to stay calm, all the while the deep sadness and…

I slept more last night than I have since my wife passed, over 8 hours altogether.  But, I cheated, I took two Tylenol pm's before bed. 

I woke up and had a few waves of anxiety roll over me, they seem to be subsiding now.  Fear of the future hitting me, fear of never feeling close to someone again, fear of becoming some reclusive old man. Thinking of my sisters father in law, who lost his wife ten years ago when he was 56 years old (just a few years older than me).  He has…

I had a rough day, my mind went to some pretty dark places. I just got off the phone with my sister,she has been my savior.  

Tonight was no exception, she pointed out something from that night that may enable me to escape from a guilt loop that has been plaguing me.  

I still haven't figured out the whole evening thing, where I usually feel at least less bad in the evening.  But, it is a definite observable phenomena in myself.

My mind is calm…

Ugh........I am awake.

What I miss the most.

The companionship, the feeling of someone I love is always with me no matter where in the world I may be.

My sons mother, my son is a special needs young man, no one will ever love him as his mother did again.

The comfort, when I was ill or hurting.

The loss of hope of ever returning our relationship to what it was before alcohol and prescription meds got a hold of her.

I slept for 7 hours last…

Missing her so much.  

What is the evolutionary purpose of grieving?  How does it further the dominance of humanity?  What other species experience this? Seems like a cruel joke. 

I changed my profile photo again today.  The totally black image really was too dark, although I have been to some pretty dark places the last two days, it needed changed.  You can see it is now just a blank expression, black and white emoticon.  More symbolic of my evening moods, mornings still need to figure out.

Still miss my wife in the evenings, but my head doesn't spin with a high levels of anxiety.

I have an engineering degree and appreciate sound…

Winter was harsh but, springs now comes to my part of the world.  And so more reminders of my wife.  

The bluebirds are nesting in one of our nest boxes, they have for years.  And I would sneak a few peeks into the nest boxes to journal the eggs and young, and share with Cheryl.

I live in the country and the evening come alive now with "peepers", countless small frogs singing for mates.  We would listen to that and truly feel the rebirth of…

Evenings are generally easier for me,  tonight, oddly, no exception.  I wonder if I really do just emotionally exhaust myself by this time and become numb.  

My thoughts of my wife seem to be restrained, my mind can go other places right now.  I need to learn feel this way more of the day.

I was quite a mess until I spoke with the therapist today.  It was just a conversation, I did most of the talking, yet that was the turning point of the day.  After that much…

All the "what if's" that play in my head, all focus on some small event that could have changed the tragic outcome of one month ago.  It's hard not to consider fate to be real. 

I have a health issue that has developed over the last two months.  Back problems causing increasing numbness and discomfort in both legs.  My wife was a nurse and always seemed to be fulfilled by helping me or my son.  This mornings "what if" is, I wonder, if my issues had been this significant one…

How long will it be until I wake and actually look forward to the day?  Instead of thinking, "not again."

I changed my profile picture.  It had been one of my wife and I when we were young and passionately in love.  But every time I looked at it I hurt.  So now it is just a black void, more reflective of how I feel.

I don't know if writing these things helps or hurts. Perhaps I should only write positive affirmations, you know the things we've all heard with our…