I slept more last night than I have since my wife passed, over 8 hours altogether.  But, I cheated, I took two Tylenol pm's before bed. 

I woke up and had a few waves of anxiety roll over me, they seem to be subsiding now.  Fear of the future hitting me, fear of never feeling close to someone again, fear of becoming some reclusive old man. Thinking of my sisters father in law, who lost his wife ten years ago when he was 56 years old (just a few years older than me).  He has become that reclusive old guy living in the country in an messy, run down house, and I see my future in him.  Right now the tasks I did routinely seem overwhelming, all the more reinforcing the vision of reclusive old guy in a rundown house.  Not a good thought loop.   

The feelings of abandonment hitting hard now.  Such a tragedy.

I read my post from last night, I know I can feel better.  It's just how do I bring the calmness to other parts of the day and not just the evening?  

Thinking more about why mornings are so difficult vs evenings, is it just because I know it's the farthest point away from being able to sleep and shut this mess down for the day?  Or is there an organic cause, levels of certain neurotransmitters replenished by sleep allowing my mind to spin pointlessly?  

I use to perceive myself as a strong, resilient man but now just feeling empty, lost, fearful, anxious, abandoned, cheated, unloved, deeply sad. 

I was going to end the post here but another thought crossed my mind.

For a man, the traits that make him attractive are strength, confidence, outgoing in a positive manner, easy to laugh.  But to feel that way you need to feel loved to start with.  I guess what I am saying is to display the traits that attract a special person, who could provide the caring, love, and understanding we need, you have to have it to start with.  Again it's the fear of becoming a reclusive old man hitting me and missing what I thought I had.

Enough, have to face this day.