Morning again, I long for when I would wake and look forward to the day ahead, to just getting up and having a good cup of coffee.  Now when I open my eyes, usually before my alarm goes off, it's like waking into a nightmare.

I close my eyes and try to sleep more, usually that doesn't work.  I try to meditate, by focusing on my breathing, that just brings back horrible memories.  Then I submit to being conscious again, and try to stay calm, all the while the deep sadness and longing for my wife pulls me down.

Anxiety usually comes next and has been hitting hard in the mornings, makes me less inclined to have that coffee that I used to like.  I can't imagine caffeine helping anxiety.  The anxiety is usually accompanied with a "what if" scenario starting in my head or realizing my life is forever tragically changed.  It definitely comes in waves, although not pervasive, when it does occur it is really the worst.

And on top of all that a health issue that does not seem to be improving.  

Things have to improve, it's been 5 weeks like this, I can count on two fingers the number of times I have smiled in that time and it was not forced.  

Mark