How long will it be until I wake and actually look forward to the day?  Instead of thinking, "not again."

I changed my profile picture.  It had been one of my wife and I when we were young and passionately in love.  But every time I looked at it I hurt.  So now it is just a black void, more reflective of how I feel.

I don't know if writing these things helps or hurts. Perhaps I should only write positive affirmations, you know the things we've all heard with our loss. "Time heals all wounds", "Things will get better", "You have to be strong" etc.  But they just ring hollow now.

I feel I am creating an emotional prison in my mind.  Looping tapes playing in my mind,  "if only I had done this or said that".  Coupled with the constant background feelings of abandonment and anger that my wife tragically chose to end her life while intoxicated.  

They say we create our own reality in our minds, I truly need to feel and believe that things will get better.  

Looking at this post the least painful part to write was the paragraph about the palliative cliches we have all been told. Maybe my next will be nothing but the things I have been told to make me feel better.