It's amazing that I don't think I am going crazy.  Saw a butterfly shadow today on the pavement of the parking lot when walking to my car to go to lunch from work. It was about a minute later, after looking around 6-10 different times for the butterfly that I finally spotted a monarch butterfly just when I didn't expect to ever see more than the shadow.

It was just weird in a fun kind of way!  My wife Jami was a lot like that.  That just never happened to me before.

The shadow…

I remember Grandpa Ellis:

Hearing his chocolate voice echo through the phone. His advice peppered with a tar heel tone; Sometimes his words were hard to swallow.

I remember Grandpa Ellis:

An oak of a man with a forest green points and a tan top. I give him i a gift a trembling like a leaf. Soon I join him on the navy blue love seat and I am at…

My boyfriend and I managed a hotel, now that he has passed away the owners, have fired me. So along with me grief over his traumatic loss, which I was there to personal witness his death by robberies, I also have to deal with no job. Just how much can I handle?

I am just so tired!!

A friend had mentioned this, but I hadn't realized how true it was until today. My friend came out to visit a couple weeks ago, and commented on how most places we went I seemed to have some association with Ariel.  She said it'd probably do me some good to get away, to re-set my connections with the world around me.  I didn't think much of it at the time.  It hadn't seemed to affect me all that much before.  Today, however, I took my new camera to a park to test it out some more.  It's a…

Grieving response is about coming to terms with, and possibly learning from, the brokenness and sorrow that come over us. Grieving response is about relearning how to be ourselves and to live meaningfully again, carrying the pain of missing those we mourn, returning to what still works from life as it used to be, and stretching into the necessarily new shapes of our daily lives and futures. It is also often about personal growth, living in fuller appreciation of what we previously took for…

Life is the classroom

Grief is the final exam

How we turn out depends on what we've learned

- Michael Ballard

I finally fly home to celebrate my birthday with my mom and sister. And also, to bring them to the house that they haven't seen since Dad died and I had to move them into a home.  I'm dreading this and have been so stressed out for months about this.  I pray it all goes well because if it does, it lets me bring them home for all these holidays that are coming soon. thanksgiving, christmas, birthday.  All the holidays that meant so much to Dad that his family be together and that he could…

"If grief was as easy as pie, then life would be a piece of cake."

 --   M Ballard

"I want people to understand that life is everlasting.  Everything that happens in your life has a purpose.  There is no one you are close to who ever dies.  Everyone just goes on to another stage of life that runs parallel to this one.  Be at peace with yourself and fulfill your mission, knowing that your stay here is temporary, and that your are doing something here to fulfill your spiritual purpose.  Tune in more to yourself  and understand more within yourself so that you can find your…

Hi everyone

It's been almost six months since i lost my brother David. Since my last post, 1 week after his passing, i thought it would never get easier. The guilt was over whelming and the pain was so intense i felt i couldn't breathe. I did a lot of crying and praying. I just thought i would share with those of you who feel like i did, the things that helped me. i wrote a poem for my Brother. never wrote one in my life. I also wrote him a letter every day.  ( online journal (…

I'm so exhausted. I feel like that's all I ever say anymore. Just wiped out. I don't want to take care of my house, or the bills, or the laundry, or take my kids to their appts, or try to keep up appearances so that others aren't put out. I want some time to absorb and digest this. To freak the hell out without scaring my other kids. I'm tired of my husband staring at me or being rude to me b/c I'm not "acting like I'm happy". He's always watching me, he's either angry b/c I've got my game…

My name is Don and this is my first post here. I lost my wife of 20 years last January to cancer. She battled it for 2 years. I tried to prepare myself in advance for this but I guess I didn't do such a good job because I still fell apart. I went to Griefshare and thought it helped. Then lately I feel like I have been going backwards instead of forwards. I had a vacation in July and just stayed home. I had too much time to think and remember and it turned out really lousy. I never thought I…

I was watching a bird yesterday.  He was on the pavement at a Bucky's store parking lot looking for scraps to eat.  

The poor thing had one leg up in his belly feathers, and was doing really well hopping around on

the one good leg.  I must have watched him for around ten minutes.

It struck me, this bird can fly away anytime, and be free of having only one useful leg. 

Then I thought about my grief, how it has attempted to disable me, depress me, and deprive…

the painted days of of summer have moved on and left you behind

soon there will be a change in the seasons and I am scared

I cry as if I'm going to split and your loss is as though I've had an amputation

The phantom of memories I ache to touch but there is nothing

I lay across my bed and weep my tears into my arms

where as a baby I rocked you in them and comforted…

and how it's altered my life in one fell swoop, changing everything

taking everything I ever knew and trusted and shattering it to the cement

all of my reason and understanding scattered under the immovable parts of reality

I once believed and even knew each day I'd waken to all of my children

laughing, speaking, yelling, screaming, crying, hoping, dreaming

at one time I…

G - igantic

R - edundant

 I  - ntense

E - xhaustive

F - eeling

My goal for us all is to make it a good week!!  Let's all do it together!

It's great to have you all to be in touch with!  Don't you wish time would hurry so the grief could lift.

Time goes fast, but with grief it seems so slow.

Thank you all, you all inspire me and help me to get motivated.

Michael

Today I have been going through pictures.. I've started a scrapbook.. I keep looking for Dad's pictures just to see his smile.. I miss how he would give me a grin when Mom would get after him for something.. Or when I would do something stupid just to make him laugh.. I miss walking through the door and hearing him say my name making sure it was me coming in. Mom has made us go through his things and move everything out of his bedroom and it kills me. I wanted to keep it for a little while…