I'm so exhausted. I feel like that's all I ever say anymore. Just wiped out. I don't want to take care of my house, or the bills, or the laundry, or take my kids to their appts, or try to keep up appearances so that others aren't put out. I want some time to absorb and digest this. To freak the hell out without scaring my other kids. I'm tired of my husband staring at me or being rude to me b/c I'm not "acting like I'm happy". He's always watching me, he's either angry b/c I've got my game face on or he's hurt b/c I can't get close to him. He is my son's step-dad and he had his moments, but for the most part he was a decent dad, so I know he is hurting too but I don't want to commiserate with anybody who is physically near me. I don't want to comfort him or talk to him about Johrdan. I want them all to leave me the hell alone. I understand my husband's hesitancy in leaving me alone for too long. I have long history of depression, suicidal tendencies, cutting, and I'm a recovering drug addict with almost 10 years clean off meth. I know I'm not going to use, but I have been cutting although he has no idea. HE WOULD FREAK OUT. I am depressed and that spurs the suicidal thoughts also. But I try my hardest not to self harm. I really do. I just get so full of having to deal with every day life, and as a truck driver's wife I am home 26-28 days a month alone to take care of the house, the kids, the bills etc...and it's wearing anyways. But now that Johrdan has died I am even more high strung and overwhelmed, and I NEED to have that release. I am seeing a therapist, she knows I'm doing this and she's offered alternative suggestions, but it's not the same. I feel even more frustrated than I did to start with, b/c it hasn't touched where the hurt really is if I don't cut. There's also this need to punish myself b/c Johrdan & I were fighting for about a month when he died. Fighting and discord were not a regular part of our relationship, ever. We had been very close and I had never had any problems with him until that last month. And I feel so angry and hurt and betrayed and guilty that he died during the worst time in our relationship in his entire 18 years of life. I never get to fix it. It will never be repaired. My nephew told me the reason Johrdan drank that night was b/c he was mad at me. Johrdan didn't drink or do drugs...it was his first time drinking. And he drank b/c of his anger at me. This is what is left behind for me to deal with, not just my son's death...but the fact that he died doing something completely outside of his moral fiber b/c of that anger. Why should I feel any lasting relief? Why should I be able to close my eyes at night and not walk thru every step of the last month leading up to his death? I know I was being a good mom and he was frustrated by the house rules and the fact he was 18. That doesn't take away from all of this horrendous guilt I feel. I feel like I deserve to live with it, he died with it...I have no right to try alleviate my guilt, or ache, or pain, or sadness. I see the therapist simply to keep everyone at bay. So it looks good on the outside, they don't nag at me as much anymore. Still I'm exhausted by all of it whether self inflicted or thrust upon me, it's taking its toll in every possible way.