There are nights that I dream about the funeral, about how bitter cold and wet it was, from the rain. I replay it all over again, about how unwilling I was to leave. About how unable I was to accept that he was already gone, and just his body remained. But I refused, absolutely refused, to think of him in the ground. As cold as it was, I just couldn't imagine him there. 

There are days that I wake up from those dreams, and I just cry. I never knew I was capable of so many…

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I'm so exhausted. I feel like that's all I ever say anymore. Just wiped out. I don't want to take care of my house, or the bills, or the laundry, or take my kids to their appts, or try to keep up appearances so that others aren't put out. I want some time to absorb and digest this. To freak the hell out without scaring my other kids. I'm tired of my husband staring at me or being rude to me b/c I'm not "acting like I'm happy". He's always watching me, he's either angry b/c I've got my game…

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I haven't been on much, it gets to be overwhelming along with everything else. I think about writing and I'm exhausted...but I need to. Just for a minute. I am tired of feeling this way everyday, all day. Waking up to it, going to bed with it. I want my life back. I miss Johrdan and I can't wrap my mind around it. I've come to a point where now I think of his cremation a lot. I'm realizing that it's having a larger impact on my life than I first thought. He was killed on Monday, June 20, 2011.… Continue

I am very new here.  I thought I would write a bit about me so you all have a better idea where I am coming from.  It is quite long, so I will summarize it by saying that my wife's life-long illness caught up with her and took her from us one month after her 41st birthday.  Her death was likely hastened by one big mistake on my part and a plethora of really bad moves on the part of some…

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