I haven't been on much, it gets to be overwhelming along with everything else. I think about writing and I'm exhausted...but I need to. Just for a minute. I am tired of feeling this way everyday, all day. Waking up to it, going to bed with it. I want my life back. I miss Johrdan and I can't wrap my mind around it. I've come to a point where now I think of his cremation a lot. I'm realizing that it's having a larger impact on my life than I first thought. He was killed on Monday, June 20, 2011. His dad came to our town right away, and helped to make the arrangements. We decided on cremation for several reasons; first and foremost if I ever decide to move I can't leave him behind-that is not an option. The second being that his dad could take some of his ashes in a companion urn and have him with him always as well. The third being, I knew if he was buried in the town cemetary, I wouldn't ever be able to walk away and leave him there alone. On that Wednesday he was cremated. Dominic *Johrdan's dad* went to the funeral home to pick up Johrdan's personal effects, what he didn't expect was the little zip wallet *the size of a coin bag* with Johrdan's earring *he had 2 but they only recovered one*  and his eyebrow ring, and a small piece of his eyebrow. When he returned from the funeral home, in shock himself-he handed it to me and told me what was in it. I fell to my knees and screamed and screamed. I lashed out. Punching whatever I could reach, until I lay spent across my mom's couch, weeping for my beautiful son and the light he was to me. Even then, in that moment I hadn't actually thought about the cremation itself, for whatever reason. Recently I think about it so often, it's messing with me. I can't make the picture stop of what happens to those who are cremated, the fire and the heat. And the idea of what he must have looked liked going through it. Now sometimes I think that I made a mistake in having him cremated, what if they were wrong and he wasn't dead? Because of me he'll never be back. Am I crazy??? WTF is wrong with me?? Before this happened I was sane and stable. I mean, I understand plainly that he is dead, I just feel such guilt for having made the choice I did...and in my darkest moments when I am crying and yelling for him to come back, I remember he can't come back because I've taken his body from him. I shake with these feelings and the irrational complexities I am now experiencing. It makes me gag when I think of what the fire did to him and that I put him through it. I feel SO F'N CRAZY ALL THE TIME.