A friend had mentioned this, but I hadn't realized how true it was until today. My friend came out to visit a couple weeks ago, and commented on how most places we went I seemed to have some association with Ariel.  She said it'd probably do me some good to get away, to re-set my connections with the world around me.  I didn't think much of it at the time.  It hadn't seemed to affect me all that much before.  Today, however, I took my new camera to a park to test it out some more.  It's a park Ariel and I had gone to only a couple of times and very early on in our relationship.  I hadn't been there in well over a decade, so it was like walking through a place that was only vaguely familiar at best.  It took awhile for me to realize that it felt peaceful.  I could appreciate the beauty around me (ducks, geese, water, flowers, trees, etc) without any twinges of pain from thinking about her.  It felt quiet!  It hurt to realize how peaceful that felt.  The realization was like having a bad sunburn that seems to dampen down 'til something scratches against it.  If I hadn't been out in public, I think I might've screamed.

It makes me sad to think that I'm likely going to have to leave here to get stable and heal up.  She was right, though.  There's just too many associations here with Ariel.  15 years makes for a LOT of connections, many of which, I'm sure, I still haven't realized are there.I know it's possible to heal almost anywhere, but the magnitude of that weight, and having a hard time thinking of places around here that wouldn't have those associations, is more than a little distressing. Much though I know I'd miss the good friends and favorite places I have out here, I think the peace of going somewhere where there was no Ariel & I would make it worth the change.

Just when I think I'm getting more stable, I tend to have these things come up that point out how much I have left to work through.  It's progress, but sometimes it's just not all that fun to get the indicators.