I finally fly home to celebrate my birthday with my mom and sister. And also, to bring them to the house that they haven't seen since Dad died and I had to move them into a home.  I'm dreading this and have been so stressed out for months about this.  I pray it all goes well because if it does, it lets me bring them home for all these holidays that are coming soon. thanksgiving, christmas, birthday.  All the holidays that meant so much to Dad that his family be together and that he could share with. But he's gone now, and all holiday gatherings are now on my shoulders.  But I have to remember that all fears are usually just that. Fears. And fears that so far haven't materialized. All it does is just bring me stress. Sigh.

The house is still empty, cold, but I sorta feel Dad's prescense there. Not like before when I could feel he was gone. The week starts horribly with a yelling match with his best friend and his storming out and leaving me.  Still don't know why or what. Don't care.  I silently tell Dad, he was your best friend Dad, not mine.  I never hear from him again and it's a relief. He brought me stress with every visit, telling me everything I did wrong and all the things I should do.  They say people go in and out of your life for a reason. He guess he did all he was supposed to do. He's now gone.

I plan my birthday dinner with flowers, a birthday cake. No presents.  I bring mom and my sister into the house. Show them around. Show mom Dad's urn with his ashes. I show her how I put his wedding ring in it that he never took off. She smiles and says that's nice.  Finally I just break down, crying, sobbing.  I can't stand the thought that my mommy is looking at the ashes of the man she knew for 60 years and it's breaking my heart.  She sees me cry and looks at me. And then I see her eyes well up. I realize she's crying because I am, not because of what she looked at.  I don't think she gets it. My handicapped older sister takes my hand to comfort me. She doesn't cry.  Why is it I have to bear the emotions of 3 people? Why?  We all walk over to the window that overlooks the back yard and look out. Silently in my head, I tell Daddy, "Daddy, we're all here. We're home."  I know he would be happy to see us all there together.  30 seconds later a hummingbird flies in front of the window. I know it's him.  He's here, saying hi.  It takes everything I have not to cry hysterically. It makes me happy and horribly sad all at the same time.

I'm making dinner and I see Mommy taking a swipe of the icing on my birthday cake. The one I bought. The one Daddy would always buy.  I scold her.. wait until after dinner! She laughs. Outloud. And I realize I haven't heard her laugh in awhile. And my heart just melts. The sound of my mom's laugh is literally saving my soul. And I realize, that's why Daddy always told jokes, and did everything he could to make her laugh.  It must have melted his heart like it is doing mine right now. The sound of his wife and my mom's laugh is slowly mending my broken heart.  I hope he can hear her where he is. A little piece of my heart has healed. The tiniest, tiniest piece.  I so hope he's looking down at her and smiling at her.  Oh please god. Please.

The time comes to bring them back to the home and mom asks where the bathroom is. And I slowly realize, that she doesn't know where she is. The house she lived in for over 50 years. She doesn't know where she is.

And my heart breaks into a thousand pieces all over again.