Only those that have experienced this can truly understand and even then it seems we all grieve differently.  I was definitely surprised with my reactions and my feelings.  Nothing in this life ever prepared me for this or has been this devastating.



I have written a lot since his death, but could not share it.  My raving and crying out as to why would be to someone else very confusing.  My writings to him were private at the time.  I collected so many poems on saying…

Christmas is just a week away and I am missing my boys more than I can say. I idd'nt get invited to any parties and no christmas bonus. No body calls , no cards were sent to me and no greetings from anyone.I understand I guess. Why would they want me around anyway. Sounds like I''m feeling sorry for myself. I guess I am. My mother yelled at me last night when I called her. She said nobody wants to be around me for fear of recking their holiday. Not too many people are allowed to see me cry.…

My husband passed away on December 3, 2010 while waiting for a heart transplant.  He had undergone 3 major surgeries in the past two years.  I was in a state of shock for the first week and now every day seems to be getting worse.  Yesterday I picked up his ashes.  Today I donated all of his clothing after family members took some of his nicer things.  My hands are shaking as I'm trying  to type.  I can't sleep, I can't eat.  I know I have to go through this in order to heal (I equate this…

Today I went shopping for the holiday and I came across some people I used to work with. They asked me how I was and before I could answer they answered for me. Why do people do that? So they think i'm going to bust out crying? Do they think that that's all I talk about?Don't they know that my life is defined by more than just my sorrow? I guess I dont understand. I have lots of times that I talk about other things. No one wants to just be my friend. Are they afraid that I will fall apart in…

The christmas before my oldest son Ben went to serve in Iraq we went to the christmas eve candlelite service. I stopped going to church after my son Del died. My daughters sat behind me. It was beautiful with all the candles and the lites. I put hairspray on that night before church. Something I dont normally do. Anyway I was pretty sad sitting there listening to the music and then we stood and sang silent night. Suddenly I smelled something burning I turned around and it was my daughter she…

I made it through another big BANG. I wasnt sure if I would make it this time. This time. It seems like i've been saying this time forever. It feels like I just get back on my feet and then BANG it hits again no big warning just a big BANG. How much longer can I survive the big BAngI'm not going to wake up thinking it was all a bad dream. So I have to accept it. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of the pain and worst of all I'm sure my sons wouldnt want me to suffer this much. I am doing…

on the dec. 14, 2010 will be 7 months since my mom died and im sad. tomorrow also is the birthday of the man who killed my mom and himself. I honestly dont knowhow to feel about it... im so tired of all the sadness and the depression im so tired of feeling angry.im sadbecause ever since my mom died my world has been turned upside down. my mother was the glue in our familyshe was the one who rememberedb-days the one who did all the holiday cooking with me helping her, she wasthe one who kept…

I will admit that the holidays make me really sad. I never had that big of a family to begin with and ever since my mother left my family seemed to get smaller and smaller.

I did manage to get through anothe semester with half my insanity.

My college…

Today was a better day than yesterday. I knew that if I gave in to the feelings lurking in the back of my mind that they would somehow consume my entire day and I would still be in that neverending fog. Perhaps today was better because I had alot to do or because I am slowly coming to grips with the idea that my sister will never return. The latter scares me and part of me tries to ignore that fact for as long as possible. Do you think that tomorrow will be better than today?

I still feel as though I am in a fog even though it has been four weeks since my sister was so tragically taken from my family. This has been the most difficult thing I've had to endure in my life. My sister had a head on collision with a driver who slid/ swerved into her lane killing her instantly. He is fine and hasn't been charged. The accident was caused due to icy road conditions the police claim. This has not been enough for my parents, my brother and I. We are left with this…

Maybe it will just help to write this out. My 67 year old mother passed away unexpectedly the day after my 40th birthday. My Dad has been battling lung cancer all year. My Mom has always been a 'sickly' person who quite enjoyed getting attention from the doctors. I can't say that we had the best relationship - I know she meant well, but she was quite abusive when I was a kid and manipulative as I became an adult. My Dad has always been the quiet one to standby and let it all happen. About…

It is now six weeks since my heart was torn in half. The unbearable pain of that moment is healing, just as one heals after major surgery.

I may be alive, but I am not living, I am existing. The only emotion I come close to feeling is the pain form losing Nanette, but it is so unbearable I run from it.

Things like this are supposed to happen to other people, not my family. But this time we are the other people and I am lost, lonely and so very, very sad to even consider it is…