I made it through the last two months, I wasn't sure I would. I was very scared. I made a plan but I didn't carry it out. I pray I never feel that bad again and if I do I pray for strenth to never carry it out. It's been years since I've felt this bad. So you see greif comes and go's. It's in and out like a rainy day. If I can just get through the rainy period I can make it, I can survive. You know how people say stupid things to those who have lost loved ones. Well a lady came up to me and asked me why I haven't killed myself seeing as both my sons are dead. For the first time in my life I was at a loss for words. The pissed off side of me wanted to punch her in the face but the reasonable side of me won me over and I just walked away. Now the holidays are coming and I think I will put on a brave face this year and do my sadness by myself. I have many good memories of the holidays with my boys. We live on a farm and part of the farm is a tree farm and when the boys were alive we would go out to the tree patch and cut down a tree for Christmas. The last year my little boy was alive I sent him and his older brother out to the tree patch to get a tree pretty soon I heard aome singing coming from the road. Here comes my boys dragging a Christmas tree and singing at the top of their lungs "Oh Christmas Tree" I remember I laughed and I cried all at the same time. To this day that is my favorite Christmas story and one of the best memories of my boys I have and I treasure it in my heart forever. I have come to the conclusion that God does not do this stuff to us but life does.We are not alone. There are alot of people ou there that have experienced lots of tragedy and together we can help eachother get through this holiday season just by keeping in touch.