I made it through another big BANG. I wasnt sure if I would make it this time. This time. It seems like i've been saying this time forever. It feels like I just get back on my feet and then BANG it hits again no big warning just a big BANG. How much longer can I survive the big BAngI'm not going to wake up thinking it was all a bad dream. So I have to accept it. I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of the pain and worst of all I'm sure my sons wouldnt want me to suffer this much. I am doing them a diservice by not living by not laughing, by being afraid to love again. Their lives were filled with love and laughter. We laughed and sang all the time and now nobody wants to talk about them and its because there afraid of setting me off. I cant change whats happened, I cant fix whats happened and I certainly cant bring them back. So I haave to move on and I have to survive. It's up to me to make sure the generations fo family that come along can know them from me. If I give up family wont know what wondrful people they were. Their nieces and nephews wont know their uncles. Acceptance is the only choice I have to make it right. I have to learn to do the best I can to live the rest of my life with peace and love in my heart no matter how much it hurts. Some might say I'm selfish and some might think i'm full of crap, but I cant worry about that. I have to do whats right for me and the people I should love and who love me. Not that acceptance in any way lessens the lives of my sons nor does it take away all the pain. I have to learn to make better days so that when the big bang comes i've got something to fall back on and to help me get through. When the big BANG comes it's bad i mean veery bad. I cant focus I cant stop crying I hibernate for days. I get so angry that I feel like my head will explode. I so want to turn that around. I so want to live my life as happy as I can and I very much so want others to know all the wonderful things my boys did and said. I want their memories to live on long past me. I cant do that if i'm constantly in pain and afraid and angry. Greiving the loss of your children is a lifelong process, but that doesnt mean it has to take your life. I know I will fall and I know I will once again hit the deep pain but I pray I can remind myself of this blog and do my best to deal with it all the best I can.Life is so short and I refuse to live the rest of mine held hostage by greif.