It is now six weeks since my heart was torn in half. The unbearable pain of that moment is healing, just as one heals after major surgery.

I may be alive, but I am not living, I am existing. The only emotion I come close to feeling is the pain form losing Nanette, but it is so unbearable I run from it.

Things like this are supposed to happen to other people, not my family. But this time we are the other people and I am lost, lonely and so very, very sad to even consider it is real.

Weekends are so bad, it was when we spent the most time together. Working in the yard, going to the store and I made dinner every Saturday and we would lie in bed and eat while watching whatever. Just being together it didn't matter what was on.

She would start to get sleepy and ask me to rub her back and snuggle with her so she could fall asleep. I could comfort her when she was anxious, just by being by her side. When she ached I would do my best to comfort her with a massage. I protected her did my best to keep her happy and out of fear. We adored each other and depended on each other for different things. But I couldn't protect her from death.

Maybe I can accept it when I find out why she died. Maybe that's when I'll fall apart from the harsh, cruel reality that she is gone from my side forever in this life.

People say I've changed and worry about me. They feel bad because I am not living life anymore. I am trying and I do a pretty good job, but once I am alone, it feels like hell.

Gods Word describes it best, we are but a whisp of time. 25 years together, married 23 years literally passed in the blink of an eye.

This note will post at the time of night I last shared with Nanette.

I pray this pain and heart break go as quickly.

Nanette, you will always be the Love of my Life and my only Love.