At this point and time I thank the lord for making me into a strong women. I am a private mourner. I have the strength to walk away from arguments. Losing two sons so close together. has been a living hell. I am on some really strong meds to help me cope with it all. My heart is shattered, I refuse to let other people get to me i don't explain my meds either. So they think I am a bipolar bitch thats fine, my finances too. i am refusing to raise my voice and have a screaming match over thing…

I have to be doing something right last week rugs got paid for from godly people. now this week, I just go through mcds, my bill is 4.89 I realize driving up to the window I'm a few cents short and didn't have my debit card on me. so I was going to be feel dumb asking to take something off. I go to tell her and she she's you don't have to pay for yours the pastor in front of you just paid for yours. Speechless I cried like a baby. it may be minor but to me that was more than nice. i think…

Some people see a light, feel a breeze, a touch, smell flowers, I see a pair of Cardinals.  I am of Irish ancestry and birds have also been thought of as messengers of death in my family. Just sayin....

At 10 pm, on July 2nd this year, (before my sister died,) there was a Female Cardinal sitting on my…

I'm afraid to truly enjoy life because when I do the Lord reminds by taking another beautiful flower from my Garden of life.

It seems as though he keeps taking the ones I'm closest to. So I guess you can say I'm nervous and constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. That being said, it doesn't matter because you're never prepared  and with each loss it's completely different type of grief  I'm beside myself and have never felt more alone. My Mom was my very first best…

I don't understand any of this any more. I raised four children on my own. Now twoof them are gone I don't why i haven't drowned in tears. then it is how I think of nobody but myself. I know I have to move forward. Thats easior said then done. my boyfriend moved out,  He had cancer surgery 6 weeks after derek died.  The doctor has given me alot of pills to help cope with all this. Its a tool not a cure. to bad it isn't a magic cure and take all the hurt away. I honestly think I have lost my…

God in my hoping, there in my dreaming..God in my watching, God in my waiting..God in my laughing, there in my weeping..God in my hurting, God in my healing

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Why did GOD have this fate for me? Why did GOD leave me to be alone? Did he think I did not need anybody and that I can make it on my own? Why? I feel so lost and distraught that I can't function? I know its been seven months but thats seven extremely hurtful months and those hurful months will turn into hurtful years. So why would GOD want me to hurt so long? Was it something I did? Was it something I did not appreciate? I don't know! I am 26 years old and scared as hell as what life has to…

I contacted a Medium the other day through email. He only wanted the whole name and nothing more, and he gave me so much information and helped me somewhat with 'closure.' What has kept me back, is I didn't know if mom forgave me for the things that I did, and I didn't know if she knew that I loved her! She forgives me and knows that I loved her regardless of the big 'ups and downs' that we had and told me not to beat myself up for the past, we make mistakes and learn from them! I know it…

I am so very new to this kind of communication.                 It seems easier than to see people - in person that is.      Deal with  "the face". Oh, I am sooo sorry, The standard greeting it seems.  I know that they are trying to be kind... suppotive...but really !  

My faith is strong - thank goodness - I do belive, and hold as truth,  that everything happens just as it should....              even if I don't like it. 

 It's still hard.. . . so very hard !

There are…

Since Saturday my get up and go got up and went.Iam getting alot of flashbacks that take longer to get out of my mind about my wife dying.I have made made a fair amount of progress towards living independently.Its hard as anyone here can tell you. Iam sure everyone goes thru this in different way. I was thinking there is no real cure for grief. I mean take some anti grief pills,grief rehab et etc .  Ever since she died I have pushed her death out of my mind (no not all the way) Grief takes…

When my Dad passed from brain cancer...it took about 3 years to stop the barrage of nightmares, in which I was constantly looking after him, trying to keep him from falling etc as he was so dizzy and unstable on his feet before being totally bedridden. Now I am assailed by the most horrendous nightmares again...the worst ones being where Peter is being kept alive somewhere and being experimented on, and when I finally get to him, he is so relieved that I have come to rescue him, he is…

if god and the devil are not twins are they man and wife is god man or woman or is the devil man woman i no ther is a lot of tark abot god on hear and difrent relinges is ther 1 god or is ther more thn 1 god and r they all relatd to each otheris evry 1 ther great grand childrn i hope i dont ofend any 1 for this…

Up all night...

Up all night thinking of you

Up all night shedding tears for you

Up all night missing you

Up all night wanting you

Up all night looking at photos of you

Up all night, remembering how you loved me in a special way

I need some sleep, because my head hurts

My eyes are puffy

My eyes are tired

The sun is about to rise.

But... I'm up all night.

It has been raining a lot this past week. Too much even. Rather this than a drought. Am so blessed to have a home and warm clothes and food etc. Also that my home is not flooded like so many are! In fact I am very blessed in so many ways. I am not in hospital, have a fully functioning body....yes, I can count my blessings and name them one by one and see what God has done, and never get to the end of it.

I have read in Plato and Cicero sayings that are very wise and very beautiful; but I never read in either of them: "Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden." --Augustine

I accept what happened. Why *not* me/us in this fallen, cruel world of suffering. Futile to question. Profits nothing. It's never going to be okay. We are all going to die. Please forgive me in advance if I make things worse for anyone. 

How can a man so kind hearted and loving leave us so quickly. At far too young an age my brother was murdered.  The bad part is that he was murdered at his birthday party.  There are so many details I should mention but they are hard to say...I need help finding closure.  I feel guilty for not hanging out with him more.  I feel like he can't be in heaven...even though he was the kindest of all he was previously tied into harmful drug addictions and forgot his family.  It wasn't until he was…