I don't understand any of this any more. I raised four children on my own. Now twoof them are gone I don't why i haven't drowned in tears. then it is how I think of nobody but myself. I know I have to move forward. Thats easior said then done. my boyfriend moved out,  He had cancer surgery 6 weeks after derek died.  The doctor has given me alot of pills to help cope with all this. Its a tool not a cure. to bad it isn't a magic cure and take all the hurt away. I honestly think I have lost my mind. I think I have lost the ability to have compassion for others. This is my first apt with out any of the kids.  I have my little dog,  He gets me out of the apt.  loves to play he is my bright spot. I have put the urns away. I found a place to put them. cremation garden. They were both outdoor people. Many memories of all of us fishing, I miss them stopping in and going fishing. The garden is a place I think they would like. I moved a couple weeks ago. Thats part of moving forward. Its really difficult.I am sure the good lord is doing his best to help me I guess I just need to trust him to do it. I can't have compassion right now.  I miss my boys