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Comment by Pamela Manning on October 30, 2012 at 10:11am

David, my heart cries for you. Not only are you going thru grief but all the bad times too. I have read your blogs and I feel your pain. Have you had any feeling of relief at all? I am so sorry for your loss and so sad that you don't have a lot of happy memories. That is the only thing that keeps me going. The fun times, laughter that my husband and I shared. I try to avoid the bad memories (flashbacks) I quickly try to think of a good memory to push that bad one out. My husbands last 30 minutes was pure hell. I gave him CPR until the firefighters arrived. I knew in my heart when they took him out of our home (my daughters home, where we were staying) I would never see him again alive. That was the case! I want to scream, cry and throw the biggest fit but I can't cause I know in my heart of hearts he is pain free and in a much better place. Do I miss him? Hell yes! Do I wish I could get him back? Yes but only healthy and that is impossible. So all I can hang on to is good memories! That is all that I have left. I get a rush of his pain and suffering often but if I think to long about it, I get so depressed and then I am no good for several days. The pain is still an open wound to me. I guess it always will be. But I have good memories to smooth some of the pain. David try to find a good memory to help smooth your pain if you can. I am worried about you!