I remebered something about my wife and it left me just as fast as I remember it. Its all natural ,I know having flashbacks cann,t be helped ,it gets to be mental torment(torture) I pretend to be getting thru this but Iam not . I was walking to another building as part of my job and the thought hit me Iam really out there alone shes not coming back,insisting I take care of my health issues. nagging me asking for a massage ,feeding me ,going out and eating(rolls stuffed with meat at the oriental store . Her being oriental ,her distant relatives care or don,t care I sent a email to one of them and didn,t get an answer back. Well regardless because of my emotional disfunctions (for lack of a better name) I stuck with her remaining in a emotional whirlwind (again for lack of a better name)

I find it hard to adapt since she died ,35 years of the same thing.However Iam not going to dwell on my time with her ,time which was not always good.

did I really really pay attention to her health problems loving her enough to stay on top of problems she was having . I don,t know ,she pushed me away so much I grew numb in dealing with her vidictive feelings .

My love for her I find out overcame anything else I felt about her even though she drove me thru hell.Its hard as anyone can imagine loosing a loved one and having to put up with the bull Sh%#^ of life afterwards. I tend to think about suicide but Iam to chicken( but my golly Iam going to whip this  ha ha yea right !!!!) ,well! time to pop another antidepressent \\

Dave