How can a man so kind hearted and loving leave us so quickly. At far too young an age my brother was murdered.  The bad part is that he was murdered at his birthday party.  There are so many details I should mention but they are hard to say...I need help finding closure.  I feel guilty for not hanging out with him more.  I feel like he can't be in heaven...even though he was the kindest of all he was previously tied into harmful drug addictions and forgot his family.  It wasn't until he was arrested that he changed his life for good.  If I would have known that he would die so soon after turning his life around I would have actually talked to him while he was serving time.  I feel so much guilt for not being braver to him.  For not speaking out.  I need closure! So much has happened in my life and I don't know why.  God should stop challenging me.  My oldest brother Nathan was born with spinal meningitis.  he was not supposed to live for more than 3 months but lived for 12 years.  It is scary to see someone live like that.  My father has battled cancer, but even though he won the memories haunt me everyday.  His skin peeling off.  watching him cry.  watching him nearly die and just waiting for him to not wake up.  It haunts me.  And then two years ago Jake was murdered.  It didn't affect me until much later, not until now.  I constantly ask myself "What are the odds" "what are the odds that my parents gave me no child hood, the odds that I am a moderate (once severe) asthmatic, the odds that I lose two brother, the odds that I had to nearly anticipate my fathers death, the odds that I had to watch two of my brothers battle drug addictions and them forgetting their family." the list goes on.  I need advice.  Usually I am ok but one bad thought leads to another.  My main goal is to find closure.  If I can do that than I feel I can handle the other problems.  Thank you for reading