It has really been rough lately. Lil Dels birthday, the weather getting cold, and raising heck with my arthritis, and the topper, having to put down our precious dog Zero. I posted about Zero on facebook today. I wanted to wait to say anything about it out of respect for my husband, and Zero. Anyway my husbands cousin wrote, and said "Playing God is the worst part of owning a pet." I felt as if I had been slapped in the face. I thought she knew me better than that. I don't consider putting…

Today at 5:15 pm our best friend Zero went to heaven. The discs in his lower spine were slipped, and cutting off the nerves to his back legs. A few years back a man with no heart I presume, rolled our Zero down the gravel road right in front of my husband, and on purpose. That was the beginning of the end for our wonderful dog Zero. Since then Zero has had trouble with his hips, and back legs. It's a strange thing, but he had been acting like a pup for the last few weeks until this passed…

I played football today with a boy who said he didn't like me. Those few simple words tore my heart out. Yesterday I opened my computer and there was a picture of a tattoo that my husbands nephew just got on his arm. It was a picture of a cross with both of my sons names on it. It tore me up. Needless to say I didn't sleep at all last night. I have been feeling so good inside, and then one picture tore me to tears. It seems that along the way I always get blindsided by things like this. I'm…

Well after 2 years I finally put up a picture of my husband, Tom.  It is one of my favorite pics of him.  We were at the provincial fair and our youngest grandsons were playing around behind him.  He was having a good time that day.  It was taken almost exactly one year before he died.  On his list of things he wanted to do when he knew the end was coming was to take all the grandkids back one more time.  He did not make it. 

You would think after all this time having his smiling face…

We just passed the 9 month mark. It is just so surreal. My son in law and my granddaughter and I spent the day together. I wore a pair of her jeans, the urn/locket I have and one of her watches so she would be with us. We played putt putt golf, went to the video arcade and ate out. The weather was a typical cool fall day. She would have enjoyed it so much. The pain isn't as sharp as it was but all day the next day I felt such sadness and loss. I look at her picture and see that beautiful…

Last night I was reading Jo B's blog about all the why's. Then I read the response from Dennis C. I went to the biblical site that he recommended. I have been afraid to read a lot of the bible because I wanted to keep believing the way my heart has led me too. I read the scriptures on the page. There it was. My heart was right. God does not do these awful things that happen to us on this earth. The truth is when man allowed sin to enter into him, he also allowed satan to take over. It is…

I've been at the same job for over 6 years. My coworkers and management were there for me through my mom's illness and death. Today is my last day at this job. I start a brand new one on Monday. I'm having a hard time with it, as it's like letting go of my security blanket. I feel like this is a step in moving forward with life after my mother. I don't think I was mentally or emotionally prepared for this. It needs to be done, but that doesn't change the fact that it's really difficult.

Another October has come, and gone. I prepared for the worst. I was ready to fall down, but instead I only wobbled a little. Is that a sign? Am I healing? Some days I have to wonder if I'm setting myself up for the big one. Oh well. I guess I'll take it as it comes. I feel different this year. I feel less fearful. I feel less depressed. I almost feel like part of the old me has come back. Is my heart getting hard or is it finally ready to accept the things that I cant change? In 2 weeks it…

I've been working at the daycare for a couple of months now. I was wondering when it would hit me. I prayed it wouldn't, but it did. I have a little girl at the daycare that I just adore, and she adores me. I love them all, but this little girl is special to me. When I look in her eyes, I see my Lil Del. They are the same color, with the same sparkle. She calls me nanny! She's just a year old so she doesn't say to many words, but she can say nanny! All the other kids call me Anne, but this…

Iam starting to come back here as scatter brained as Iam, I was gone for a while. Iam a widower truth be told. Its a long story ,your thinking long story about being a widower.? Ill try to explain it in another blog Iam working on.we went for 35r yrs she ran the show.We loved each but not in a hugging kissing way. What does that have to with it.?

 I carried on a desentsized sort of duties  as a husband , Iam  thinking now I was emotionally ill equiped to handle a realationship much…

Well here I am again. Hahaha! I sure had a rough couple of weeks there! But here I am. Truth is I don't want to be without you! I have decided that I need to be here, and I think you need me too, so here I am. I'd apologize for my madness, but I did learn a lot about me, and about others, and this stinky process of grief. However I am a bit ashamed of behaving like a child. You know it doesn't matter how long time has passed. When you lose someone you have loved, you always go in, and out of…

its been3 yrs since my mom passed away and for some reason my relationship with myhusband has gone down hill. it feels like im walking in my mothers foot steps because now im going threw almost the exact thing that endedup killing her. now im the one in an abusive relationship the only difference is that im trying for dear like to get away from. and im scared i wont be able to in time before the same thing happenes to me  

I QUIT. I'm done. I thought I could help, but I feel like what I say or write is wrong or hurtful. Today I hurt. I hurt as bad as I did the day I held my sweet little boy in a body bag all burned up. I also feel like I have hurt the ones I just wanted to help, and maybe give a little hope. When I  write it's not that everyday I feel good, and happy. I wish I had someone to shed a little hope for me so I thought I should give some hope to others.  What I didn't realize is not everyone is…

why do we loze so mny pele a,l t g

why dose god tk away evry 1away we luv?

why dose evry 1 hav bad luckk ?

why dose bad thngs hapen ?

why cnt thy find cure for big c ?  

why dose bad peple get away wit out sufring ?

why why why why why why 

why dose kids after 2 die or sufer coz thy hav dun nothng wong ?…

Once again October is here, and so am I. I have decided to just blog for a while. I feel like I am hurting peoples feelings by posting where I am in this process, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I just thought I could give a little hope to all who are hurting. When I was first going through this journey, I wished I had one person who would talk to me, and tell me that there is hope, and the light will shine again. I wanted to hear these words from someone who had walked in my shoes. I…

After trying to battle cancer for 6 years, my mum unfortunately passed away in march of this year. I miss my mum so much it is unbearable. I feel so lost and alone.

I'm an only child and my dad and i are very close but we can't talk about our feelings. We can't talk to each other about the pain or the loss that we feel. I'm not very good at talking about my feeling to anyone really, not even my friends. No one really seems to understand what i am feeling and everytime i try to reach…

Just watch a video of a Marine drill team and it made me think of my son when he was graduating from boot camp. He called me a few weeks before hand to tell me the details. I was at work when I received the call and all I could do was cry I had not talked to him in weeks and I was so very proud of my son. He kept trying to tell me directions and I told him I would figure it out just tell me how you are. He later told me that he almost got in trouble from his drill Sargent because I was…

I haven't been on here in a little while. I'm not sure why. I've been having a really hard time lately, and for what reason, I'm not really sure why either. In about 2 months, it will be a full year since my mom passed away. I've been at the same job for a few years now, and they were amazing to me when I went through my mom's sickness and death. But I'm not happy there. But for whatever reason, I can't seem to find another job. I lived with my parents through college to save money, and…

wen my dad woz alive he usd 2 alllwayz joke abot a man on a moon he did we wud ask if we had bean out any 1 bean? he wud say man on a moon 

wear r u goign wen he woz ok ?

im going 2 sea a man on a moon 

so i set my slf a chanlge 2 tk a foto of a moon but still cudnt find a man on a moon …

Oh man, so much at once... My stomach is in knots, I'm always on the verge of tears. I don't want this to be real, I just don't want this to be real. On the outside I still maintain a positive attitude and good work ethic and I try to bring that inward, but I'm collapsing inside. 

Yesterday I was asked to help make a page for my brother in the yearbook. We were in all the same classes since kindergarten, but I left our old school after he died. His empty chair was next to me…