Oh man, so much at once... My stomach is in knots, I'm always on the verge of tears. I don't want this to be real, I just don't want this to be real. On the outside I still maintain a positive attitude and good work ethic and I try to bring that inward, but I'm collapsing inside. 

Yesterday I was asked to help make a page for my brother in the yearbook. We were in all the same classes since kindergarten, but I left our old school after he died. His empty chair was next to me in every class and all I could do was look at it. My stomach still drops when there's one empty chair next to me in an otherwise full space.

Now the yearbook committee wants to dedicate a page to him and I'm gonna help. If Hunter can't graduate next to me he at least deserves an awesome page in the yearbook. Aw man though, that ripped through what thin skin I have... I love him and miss him so much, like I can't describe this in words and it drives me crazy... I don't want to walk down that stage without him... I can't say his name without getting teary eyed. I can't think of him without feeling sick to my stomach with grief. Reaching out to the people in my life has not gone well. I don't understand why people look the other way when I say I need help. I feel so isolated and artificial and heart sick... God this isn't good and I know it's not, I can't live like this... but I don't know what else to do.

Saw this on the news today, too, reminded me of my brother and I so much... Something to smile about through the tears <3

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/lifestyle/2013/09/bullied-girl-whose-br...