Well here I am again. Hahaha! I sure had a rough couple of weeks there! But here I am. Truth is I don't want to be without you! I have decided that I need to be here, and I think you need me too, so here I am. I'd apologize for my madness, but I did learn a lot about me, and about others, and this stinky process of grief. However I am a bit ashamed of behaving like a child. You know it doesn't matter how long time has passed. When you lose someone you have loved, you always go in, and out of the different stages of life. Yes I said life! Grief is a part of life. A very big part of life. We really don't have much choice but to navigate it the best we can. I understand all of the sad, and lonely feelings that come with the first stages of this thing called grief. It is acceptable to be sad, angry, denial, hurt to the very core of your being. All of these things and more, but there does come a time for peace, and comfort, and happiness. Of course it wont be all the time. It will all come, and go just like everything else in life. In my heart I believe that with time the good things come back to me. Not the same way, but in many different ways. Ways that I can live with, ways that will help me cope with my great losses. You know even when I didn't want to feel one little bit of hope there it was. In my worst moments  when I purposely tried to stop it, hope popped through. Is it because of my faith? I would like to think so, but I'm thinking  it's a number of things. Most important of all was the want to feel good. The need to feel hope, and love, and joy. Yes it was hard to get to where I am. You bet. I worked my heart, and soul to the max to get to feel one little bit of peace, just one shred of joy. I'm proud of that. I'm not saying that life is all hunky dory. I'm saying that if I have to be here I have to be willing to fight for myself, for what's left of my family. I believe in God. I believe that the only true things God can give me are, strength, courage, wisdom, and hope, and I'll take it! Life is full of losses, and since I have already suffered the ultimate, I am willing to take on life. I don't feel like I have any other choice but to live. I want to help others want to live. My daughters, son-in-law, and granbabies came for a visit this past weekend. The week before I went through yet another death anniversary of my youngest son. I didn't sleep all week. I looked like it too! I grieved for my little boy on Thursday the 17th. I grieved all morning for him. Then I picked myself up, and got productive. I cleaned my carpets, every bedroom, both bathrooms, and in between all the cleaning I reminded myself of all the good things he brought to my life. I thought how grateful I am that I got to see as much of his life as I did. I also cried a bit for what will now never be. Then my family came for a visit. I felt the love, the joy, and the happiness that their visits bring me. I wondered for a long time when, and if I would ever feel like that again, and now I do. Against all odds I survived. Not one death of a child but 2, and I'm still here. I know I will walk in my sad, grieving shoes again one day. I know that there will always be loss, but I also know that I have hope on my side whether I want it or not. I also know that the death of my sons will always hurt, but I think the pain would be worse if I had never had them at all. I pray that every grieving person will find a glimmer of hope somewhere, somehow, and that I always remember that Love never dies! It feels good to be back. Thanks for all the kind words, and comfort. I love you all in a very special way. Here's wishing you Peace, Love, and comfort on your journey.