Another October has come, and gone. I prepared for the worst. I was ready to fall down, but instead I only wobbled a little. Is that a sign? Am I healing? Some days I have to wonder if I'm setting myself up for the big one. Oh well. I guess I'll take it as it comes. I feel different this year. I feel less fearful. I feel less depressed. I almost feel like part of the old me has come back. Is my heart getting hard or is it finally ready to accept the things that I cant change? In 2 weeks it will be my Lil Del's 27th birthday if he was here. Wow! I can't help but wonder what kind of man he would be, or how many grandchildren I would have. I have never allowed myself to dream like that before. The night before he died he came to say goodnight to me. He leaned over for me to kiss him on the forehead, and said "Mom you cant tuck me in anymore because I'm going to be a man in 2 weeks". 2 weeks after he died would've been his 13 birthday. I respected his manhood, and I didn't tuck him in that night. The next night he was gone. I really thought that 13th birthday was gong to be the end of me when he died. 15 birthdays have come and gone, and I still wish I could tuck him in one more time. Grab his cheeks, give him a big kiss, and tuck him in. I miss his bright sparkling eye's, and his big happy smile. I miss the way he used to get into trouble, and look at me with such apologetic eye's. I miss all the times he would make a big mess trying to do something nice for me. I miss his big hugs before, and after school. I miss feeling like a whole mom. I miss the innocence of those times. I miss making homemade costumes. He used to love to watch me make him a costume for Halloween. I would wait till he was distracted, and then scare the crap out him with my wicked witch of the west voice.

I also miss my Ben. I don't miss the cops bringing him home on gait night( the night before Halloween the kids in town would get together and dump trash cans), but I do miss the joy, and excitement of Halloween. I miss all the silly pranks Ben would do to me on Halloween after he grew up. I remember one Halloween Ben wanted me to put this stuff on his face to make him look like a zombie. I begged him to forget the stuff because it looked very difficult to get off. He insisted. Poor kid, I really had to scrub for 2 days to get that stuff off his precious face. Each time I washed his face I had to think of funny things to tell him so he wouldn't cry. I miss a lot of things, but i'm grateful that I have memories so I have things to miss. Missing all of these things and more helps me know how much fun we all had, and how much love went into everything. I cant imagine my life without all these things to miss, and remember. Im glad I still carve a pumpkin, and hand out candy on Halloween. Seeing all the children having fun reminds me of the good times with my own children. It will never be the same, but then nothing ever is!   I wish all peace for your heart, and good memories!