My 32 year old son died in his sleep 11 years ago.  It does not get easier.  I did not get to say "GOODBYE and I Love You"

Oh so many months have gone by. I find myself still trying to find blame in the staff at the hospital on the little care giving to my mom. I still get mad that the one nurse had to pick an argument with myself and husband at my moms bedside. I know that would have upset mom .

God I have some days when all these bad thoughts whirl around in my head and then I just end up blaming myself. I miss my mom so much,it makes it hard to live in a world that mom is not in.I feel like I…

I have been doing some biofeedback. The software program the University has is very nice. Friday I was listening to a meditation type portion to release physical tension. The recording said, "Everything is absolutely okay right now." I felt a chord get struck immediately and probably within 30 seconds I had tears falling down my checks. No. NO, everything is NOT absolutely okay. This wasn't a shocking revelation to me as I've been saying that all this time but I don't know that I've really…

Its been a really long/short 1 year and 11 months...Its coming to the 2 year death date of my boyfriend, and I read on here one day someone asking if the second year was harder than the first, and in my personal opinion I feel the second year is very hard. The first year I spent blocking it out, and yes it was hard as the one year mark hit and i would picture everything i was doing in the previous year with my boyfriend, but this is the second year and as our son is growing, he looks more…

I read yesterday that country singer Joey of "Joey and Rory," is going on hospice. She is dying of cancer that she has fought for over a year. I read her story. She has a sweet little girl, I believe 18 months old with downs syndrome. I thought of Joey all night. I thought of her today. I thought of how God said no again to someone deserving of healing. God did not give them a miracle. Joeys husband writes about how they trust the Lord. They believe in miracles. They speak of Gods love and…

all the stores are getting ready for x mas, god how I hate it. I just don't go out any more. I hate seeing people so happy, I just want to scream. I can feel my tears start falling when im out.  most of the time I just stay im my room, crying wishing I was with my shawn. missing my son so bad. dear god don't make me go through another x mas please.  I just want to be with him, im so ready to go. I feel no one can help me, no one cares my family wont talk to me, my friends are gone, my  son…

will I ever have peace in my heart ....ever ?

dear god I prayed the fifth would never come.  how can it be 2 years when I remember it like yesterday. I cry everyday, I pray you will come back to me. this hell im living in cant go on much  longer, I miss you so very much and need so bad to hear your voice once more. how can this be  happening how? I want so much to be with you, to hold my baby again. shawn my life is over please take my hand, take me home with you. im so alone, empty. why wont god take me to you, why is he making me…

I have been thinking of my parents so much, lately. My mom died five years ago, and my dad died four years later, April of last year. They had been divorced for 35 years, remarried to other spouses. Yet as my father lay dying with cancer, he asked me "When did your mother die?" I said "April of 2010". He said, " No, I mean exactly what day?" I said, "The twelfth."   Well, he almost made it till then-- he died April 11, 2014. I believe he was holding on till then, making one last 'connection'…

It has been a year and a half now since my brother passed away. His name was Brenson, he was 31 years old. As time goes by, the pain doesn't get better, some days it feels worse. The longer time passes without seeing him the more it stings, to know another day has gone by that I haven't seen his face, heard his laugh, gave him a hug, so many things. Every holiday that passes without him makes me feel so empty. People have moved on, they don't know how bad I am still hurting. They don't hear…

Peace these days seems so fleeting. Just when I think I'm moving through a fairly good day, something happens and I break down, crying uncontrollably. I went through the motions of attending a Halloween pot luck dinner last night. It was going along pretty good until the DJ played a Roy Orbison CD. All the songs my Mom, my brother and I used to sing along to. I couldn't take it. I had to leave. My brother is gone; my Mom is gone. I'm the only one left out of our trio. I miss them both so…

In the beginning of this I felt like I was in a nightmare, at times it still feels that way. Now I feel like I'm just in plain hell.

I can't remember for sure what book I read it in and of the books I've read, only one has said this. One of the things needed in grief is to connect to your loved one. I would agree. I've said it before but there is no "moving on". That's what you do in a break up and that was not what happened here. I went ahead with a medium reading this past week as…

today is hollween, my husband ask me to help him give out candy, I told him no. I just don't care any more. I would rather just turn the lights out and stay in bed. I feel im just to tired to care. I need shawn here, I miss him so bad, I still pray to die, and all I do is cry.  nothing matters anymore nothing.

I was telling a friend of mine that I am feeling depressed about my Mom and she suggested I buy one of those coloring books for adults. I finally got around to it a week ago. I chose one with flowers and inspirational messages. They have so many of them on the market; it was hard to choose, but that one spoke to me. So every day when I think of Mom and begin to feel sad, I bring out the book, my colored pencils and marking pens. I put on music that I like and start coloring. Just doing it…

Reading through various entries today I was reminded of Morgan's line, Everything is the same yet nothing is the same. The first time I read that it hit me. Reading it again, I can't think of an oxymoron more true in this fucking hell. There is just no fucking point to any day. No meaning. No reason when everything can be taken away in the blink of a fucking eye. I am still so mad that this is my damn life. I feel so robbed. I didn't get time. I didn't get to come home to Gary crafting up…

I miss being able to pick up the phone and talk to you, Mom. As I went through a box of your things today, I found your jewelry. Many pieces are ones that I gave you for different occasions and each one brought back such precious memories of times we shared. I'm trying so hard to hold on to those memories; the good times. It's just that this hole in my heart feels so big right now. In our last conversation, you told me of the dream you had the night before where Grandma came to you and held…

I came home from work.  Normal day.  My sweetheart was in the shower, I heated up his dinner and made mine, he came out in his pajamas and kissed me hello.  He told me of his day and how happy he was that his union was on strike and he could be home now.  After dinner he always took a nap, but for some reason he didn't.  He saw the neighbor cutting down trees and walked up the top of the hill to give him a drink and talk.  I was changing the string on the lawn trimmer and the neighbor…

 my  beautiful son shawn, soon nov 5 will be here and I just don't think I can take it. I want to see you, feel you and hold you forever. I want to hear your voice,  oh god I would give my life in a min to hear you say mom again.  im told im in a deep depression, pills pills pills and nothings helping. I beg you everyday to take me home with you,  please don't leave me here in hell alone empty, such a dark place to be in.  pain like I have never felt before each and everyday.  I miss you so…