It has been a year and a half now since my brother passed away. His name was Brenson, he was 31 years old. As time goes by, the pain doesn't get better, some days it feels worse. The longer time passes without seeing him the more it stings, to know another day has gone by that I haven't seen his face, heard his laugh, gave him a hug, so many things. Every holiday that passes without him makes me feel so empty. People have moved on, they don't know how bad I am still hurting. They don't hear all the questions running through my mind. They cant see the fog I feel like I am in sometimes. The way I look at the world has shifted. The way the world feels is different. Its like it isn't real sometimes. I know he is gone and I know for the rest of my natural life I will never see his face again, yet I still have to say to myself out loud sometimes, my brother died. He died, he is really gone. How can that be? How could a 31 year old man, married for 4 months, just starting out in life in so many ways just die. No warning, no time to prepare. He is there one day and the next he is gone, forever. You hear that scenario a million times your whole life and are told to live as though today is your last day, would that have made this any easier? I don't think anything would make it easier, or prepare a person for loss. I have so many regrets too many to count that haunt me. Things I can't make up, will never get the change to now. Did he really know how much I loved him? Did he know I didn't mean half the things I said when we would fight as kids? Did he know how funny I thought he was, that I spent most of my life trying to mimic him, his funny way of saying things, words he would make up..... No one makes me laugh like he did. I don't know where God is in all this. I was so close to God, I never thought anything could shake my faith or make me question God, until this. I get so angry at God sometimes my chest burns. How could he not do something? Why my brother? Why when we begged on our face in prayer for his life did he say no, say nothing. Now I feel bitter, I no longer want to pray for peoples healing because I don't even know that he really heals..... I don't want to believe in miracles, if he gives miracles to others, why were we not given one? I cant imagine not believing that I will see him again, when I die, yet I feel sick inside wondering if its true.... will I see him again? Is there more than this? It's all too much sometimes and I feel so alone. I cant talk to my husband, I have to be strong always for my children, only my mother understands, she hurts so deeply I don't know how she gets through the day. Her only son is gone. Death is so hideous and so ugly...... I look at this picture of him smiling and I miss him so much it overwhelms me entirely, sometimes I can't even look at his pictures or watch his videos. There is one of him playing the guitar, singing a christian song, "your love never fails," by Jesus Culture, I watch it and cry so hard my insides burn and my chest hurts. This grief is a cycle, I go through all the stages over and over again......