Oh so many months have gone by. I find myself still trying to find blame in the staff at the hospital on the little care giving to my mom. I still get mad that the one nurse had to pick an argument with myself and husband at my moms bedside. I know that would have upset mom .

God I have some days when all these bad thoughts whirl around in my head and then I just end up blaming myself. I miss my mom so much,it makes it hard to live in a world that mom is not in.I feel like I am slowing dieing inside. I will be driving home and then bang it hits me all over again .I will be out even shopping and then the panic attacks come on.

Needed to go to the mall and my thought was I will just be in and out super fast.Well it turns out everyone else thought that they would be there also.Yes, it was hard very hard because it was full swing Christmas and then it hit me mom ,my mom will not be here and it is the first ever for me to not have my mom right there in my arms Christmas day.The season was always my mother's favorite time of year. It's also my moms birthday month ,as mom is a new years eve baby.

Oh lord please help me! Does everyone go through grieving like this? So many times I can still find myself feeling like this must be a dream.My brothers and sister's are no help to me.As they look at my moms passing as something that was going to happen so yes I get that everyone must die. This was our mother or should I say my Mom. I was not ready to give her up ,mom misses me I know because I miss her.

I feel since I paid for all the final expenses why should I be the one to have to organize the spreading of the ashes and also what is the hurry to do such a thing.

Part of me is fine having my moms belongings and her ashes here in my home.They are safe with me and plus I know where they are,is there anything wrong with that?

Mom be safe my love.I love you more.